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Issit really that hard to jio someone out? Or issit just me?

Why does it seem that people I like treat me just as a person who they can get help from? When they need me, they call me. When they don't, nothing heard out.... Worse than friends this is.... I feel so depressed... Where are the people who truly care, and like me for me? Where are those, who value friendship more than what they can benefit from me? Where are the people who I would truly consider as friends? Where are they all? Are they all hiding from me, in some corner of the world? Am I fated to live life like such?

With the new year comin, I feel like nothing has changed.... its still the same.... 2004, 2005, what is the difference? Absolutely nothing.... sux.... another year has gone by.....

Why?

Doushite?

Why must Pearl be so pretty? Why? If only she wasn't this pretty.... Every time I think about how pretty she is, I feel at a loss.... Confirm got alot of other guys chase after her.... how can I compare or compete with them?

What can I offer?
I don't have:
1. Looks
2. Money
3. Charm
4. Car
5. Many other things

I don't care if she was more ordinary looking.... I like her for the way she is.... The other side that I couldn't see when I first knew her.... The side behind the cheery facade.... I guess I like her because she reminds me so much of myself.... of the facade I always try to put up, and only recently let down in front of my close friends.... of the insecurity I feel that I stiffle and kill but is still deep within me.... of the emptiness I feel deep inside when i'm alone... of the yearning to have a person who is so close to me that I feel totally at ease with the person, like i'm by myself, and can share all my deepest feelings and thoughts, the things that I hide from everyone else.... and many other more things....

Everytime I think about this, I feel depressed and down.... I kinda liken it to 烂蛤蟆想吃天鹅肉... Damn sad.... Nevermind.... Don't think about it.... Just call her up tomolo and see how things go..... exams results out ya?

My worst bad dream up till date

Never had such a bad bad dream before.....

Started out with Pearl calling me up to ask me go shopping for some stuff with her... (Isn't good, since in my dream I knew that she called because I called earlier, and she said she'd get back to me).... So I went along... She was driving, and with her this other guy... So she picked me up, and we went to Bukit Timah Plaza to find her thing.... (A side issue, her driving was horrendous..... told her to keep to the center lane for fear that she'd mount the curb or somehting)... For the sake of free parking, she parked the car at Ngee Ann Poly, and we went to take a bus to go there... (Doesn't really make much sense since it is already within walking distance)...

Anyway, on the bus, I talked to this other guy, and he told me that the two of them just finished outdoor sales, and they were selling some item, which looks a lot of the snoopy toys I was selling in real life.... And that guy was telling me how easy it was to sell them.... that you have to "aim one person, then go all out for it" or somehting.... and he said that together, they managed to sell 120 of those toys..... ARGH!!! wat a blow to me, as after 10 days of snoopy selling, I only managed to sell 1!!!!

Soon, we got off the bus to walk there, and we couldn't find Pearl... We were thinking.... "hong gan.... she must have gotten up the wrong bus in the first place" (she can get lost very easily one).... Fortunately, she appeared from behind us.... apparently she got off the bus without any of us noticing it.... At this point, I was feeling pretty depressed and not in the mood liao for 2 reasons.... First, that they managed to sell 120 toys while I sold 1, and secondly, that they were selling it together, so that means she is damn close to this guy.... So, I said, "I think I go home liao", and, lo and behold, she never ask me to stay or anything, just said "ok, then byebye" and walked off with the other guy to BT Plaza...

I was totally devastated.... I wasted my time, money, watever, and ended up like that..... where she doesn't even give a damn about me.... I was about to take a bus to go home, but the pain was too much for me to bear..... so I decided to run home, to let all the pain out -- running can actually numb the pain, as I'd be so tired I can't think of anything else.... I ran at maximum speed, so that I wouldn't think about it anymore.... But after a while, even my running seems to be constrained.... There was like this invisible force slowing me down, such that I seemed to be running in slow motion, while the rest of the world is in actual speed... So my running was slower than other ppl's walking.... I try to run faster, but my legs just can't touch the ground more quickly.... a little like floating or something...

Anyway, fast forward, I ran all the way, but got lost and ended up at ACJC, after taking some underpasses which were very like city link mall.... People were everywhere, though it was then just before dawn.... I figured then it was due to some major exams like 'A' levels or something... I walked into a nearby petrol station, and still this depressing feeling was bugging me.... I felt like screaming out and crying in pain, but I couldn't do that.... I'm a guy.... It was so painful that I suddenly threw the entire thought of Pearl out of my head.... and peace..... for that moment.... I realised once again that if I didn't think about it at all, my life would be so much less painful.... and the last words that struck me before I woke up immediately after were that 'though life would be so much less painful if I just let go, was the pain enough yet to force me to let go?' To let go would be not to want her anymore.....

At this point, I woke up, and I was still kinda in a daze.... The dream seemed so real I thought it was real, and for a moment I found it hard to accept that it was all a dream.... It was so realistic.... some parts even in colour.... (Pearl wore some totally black jacket, the kid I tried to outrun but in vain wore some orange t-shirt, and the petrol kiosk was very brightly litted like some futuristic hang out place or something) Even now, while writing this blog, I'm still trying to adjust to the fact that its just a dream..... my stomach's feeling funny, and my mind is still wondering if this dream is a reflection of real life......

Dreams can be so painful.....

Pearl update....

Haven't talked to her since monday.... Wonder how's it going for her.... but I bet she's havin a lot of fun.... so busy, sure no time to think of anything else, unless she is like me, bothered by something, or the want of someone... *sigh* I've managed to prove, emprically that that is possible siah.... But at least I've got a good pal like mk to keep me company.... good friends are hard to come by siah.... must appreciate and treasure it....

Talking about appreciating and treasuring good friends, I never had this inclination of doing so.... In kindergarden, it was Daryl.... after kindergarden, lost contact with him totally until JC... In primary school, it was Matthew... when I transfered to ACPS, lost contact with him too, and up till today, I have absolutely no idea where he is, or what he is currently up to... In secondary school, I hung out with a bunch of pals, but now, kinda don't contact them anymore, though at least I still know what they are doing, or at least some of them.... Then, in JC, it was mk, and it was about to take the same direction too, when I hardly contacted him when I was in the army.... Fortunately, we are still good friends for 2 reasons....

1. I finally realised how precious good friends are
2. He has a car, and hence we can go out more often....

Life's like that.... you never treasure something until you have lost it.... (I never really treasured the friendship I had, including with mk, until I realised I lost it in the army) I hope that if ever I forget what I just said, I would be able to read this post, and realise the err of my ways and turn back....

Anyway, back to pearl.... I'm currently wondering whether I should call her, or just wait till Sunday before doin' so... She must be pretty busy now, with all her friends and stuff.... Its Christmas, ya know? And for that matter of fact, I have yet to pass her the Christmas gift I have prepared for her.... A damn expensive card, and a drawing of her.... Summore i'm going to frame the drawing up.... Will be the most expensive gift I give for Christmas this year.... but that doesn't really count for anything considering I didn't even give any Christmas gift this year.... except for treating mk and xin.... haha.... This is what happens when you are financially constrained.... And she better take sociology next sem.... den at least I'd have a common subject with her.... plz! take sociology!!!

The world I'd give,
For that dream to live....

My Blog

Secure in the midst of friends,
But as all things it has to end.
Stealthily just like a mouse,
Alone I crept into my house,

In the stillness of the night,
My pains and sorrows do invite.
Staring at my Samsung screen,
Pouring out hurts that can't be seen.

Who would know the pain I'm in,
Except my blog who is my kin?

Is it love?

Is it love,
Between friends,
Who just seek,
For pleasure now.

Is it love,
A mother's care,
When the child,
Wants to run wild?

Is it love,
A lasting crush --
Only one,
likes the other.

Is it love,
Finding the one,
Who just might,
Change in future?

What is love,
That we all want?
Do we know,
Our own desires?

Hiding

Silence,
The still of the night.
Darkness,
Without the moonlight.
Alone,
With whom can I share.
Hiding,
Living in despair.

Sorrow

What can I say,
When all I want may
Just elude me,
And alone I'd be.

When will it end,
Will my spirit mend?
In pain I plead,
For an end I need.

Though hard I seek,
The future is bleak.
My sorrow shows,
In poems and prose.


Liking someone in silence really really suxs... Especially when you believe that she doesn't like you back, or just treats u as a friend... I keep on getting this feeling... today's the 21st... on the way last week, I told her to keep 24th free... But she's not free... So I told her some other day.... then she told me today she is free.... so supposed to meet her today... last minute she tells me she's not free, and will find some day after Christmas to meet me.... Goodness.... you mean from last week, all the way to Christmas she can't even find one day to meet me? Or issit everything else is more important?

*Sigh*

The lingering, depressing, sorrow...

Rhymeless poem

I try to be happy,
But it's obvious that i'm not.
I put on a fake smile,
And keep my sorrow in me.

I hide from all others,
The aching pain that I feel.
Who would want to partake,
In this deep sorrow I'm in?

Even poems I write,
Cease to rhyme any longer,
As I can't find the strength,
For these ornamental acts.

Finally I've realised,
The truth in what they have said --
The more you want something,
The greater the pain you'll feel..

The void

Why do I want to look good?
Why do I want to be charismatic?
Why do I want to be rich?
Why do I want to be popular?

Everything boils down to the longing for someone, a girlfriend to share with... a deep relationship....

If not for this, does it really matter? Does it really matter if I am bald? I can look like the Hunchback of Notredame for all I care. I can just walk or take MRT to get from point A to point B. I can just be a nobody at school. I don't need that newest computer or laptop, though it would be nice to have it.

Seriously, who cares about the EVO VIII or STI REX, who gives a damn? Not me... not now at least.... Seriously, I think Maslow made a big boo boo when he did his hierachy of needs.... I'd say that relationship should be at the bottom level... the most basic needs.... Instead of relationship, he put sex there.... I don't need that.... is that really that important?

I wish there was a way of expressing the longing I feel now.... It hurts when you like someone, and know that she doesn't feel the same way too.... Sure does... But what can I do? There isn't much I can think of right now.... HELP!!!!! Desires desires.... Why torment my poor soul? Can't I just be satisfied with what I have right now? Must I strive for what I cannot have?

I think of her, and I know that I really shouldn't be liking her.... cause I have NOTHING to give to her.... I'm not rich, I'm not handsome, I'm not charismatic, I'm not humourous..... The only thing I reckon I can give, is my concern for her.... and that is totally useless to her... What is the use of concern? Can't really help her much... Then why do I want such? Concern, care and love? Why? Up till date, all it has brought me is pain, and has not helped me one single bit... Is it possible for me to just stifle all my feelings, suffocate it so that it just dies off? It would be better for me and her, and she can go find some rich guy, and lead a happy life ever after..... or should I say more happy than if she were with me.... I'm sure she has the capability of doing so.... She has a nice personality, and the looks to couple it....

Damn it....

Helplessness.....

Why?

Distress

There are times I think,
I should just let go.
Why bother with one,
Who doesn't feel what I do?

Why torment myself,
With these desires,
And then drown myself,
In sorrow, songs and poems?

For what help are these --
In great pain i'm in.
Nothing can release,
Me from the distress i'm in.

(Doesn't rhyme, but what the hack... i'm not in the mood)


Why?

Why is my life as such?
Helpless with endless wants?
Why are all those around,
No different from myself?

Why is it no one knows,
The pain i'm going through?
Why is it no one care,
About me, but just themselves?

Why do I now exist,
When I did not have a say?
Why do I still resist,
What fate has decreed for me?

Why do I keep getting this feeling?

Selfish

Care I how she looks,
Or how well she cooks?
All I want is one,
Who is just like me.

Who feels the way I do,
And shares her deepest thoughts,
For me alone she cares,
Without me she despairs.

Selfish I admit,
But what the hack, dammit!
This is what I am,
Change myself I can't.

Black and dark my soul,
Its nature now unfolds.
But so what if I know,
I'm still the same old crow.


Damn.... Pearl is a nice gal, but the problem is that I'm just an ordinary friend to her, I reckon... If only she wasn't that pretty, I think life would be so much easier for me... Not that I wouldn't like her in that case -- I like who she is -- but that she would appreciate the attention ppl show to her more I reckon... I bet cause she is pretty, there are many other ppl who like her... And as in my poem, I am a damn selfish person I guess, when it comes down to such things... Either have it in totality, or just cast it aside and forget it. That's me. Neither here nor there is the worst...

I guess I feel this way cause while talking to her earlier, she told me about this other guy she knows, and how they actually met.... And I realised, or kinda felt, that she takes on the same attitude towards me as that guy..... wahhhaaa..... and that guy was so obviously interested in her.... i mean, which guy will act as a personal chauffeur for a gal unless he likes her? Ouch. Life's like this.... One sided love.... sux eh.... That's something I don't want at all... if that's the case for me, I rather just forget about her and find someone else, as hard as it may be now, before it gets any harder.....

2 short, 1 long poem

Forgetfulness

The reason I tend to forget –
Countless things I dread to regret.
But more than these combined is that,
My heart, my mind, with you, are kept.


Shattered

When you brush ‘gainst me,
And you say ‘sorrie’,
One blow more it be,
My heart in agony.

Knowing you treat me,
Distant and apart,
Still far do I be,
From your thoughts and heart.


Pearls

Divers search,
For treasures heard.
Risk their lives,
With deep sea dives.

Giving all,
To heed the call.
Of shiny pearls,
And treasure hauls.

Though sought are these,
The prize of seas,
To me they just,
Are specks of dust.

For I have found,
That gold, renown,
Cannot compare,
To that, most rare.

For that alone,
I’ll give all known,
For you, my girl,
My deep sea pearl.


All these were composed while thinking about Pearl.... maybe i'd give the last one to her if we ever get together.... wahhaa.... what's with me and poetry now a days? goodness.... I never ever composed poetry before I started blogging, and that's like a few days ago only -- this week!

Bizzare bad dream...

Just had an afternoon nap, for about 3 hours.... and during which, I had one of the weirdest dreams ever... People from all walks of my life came together -- her, xin, yogi, benny, mrs tan, and i think there are a few more who I forgot.... and even a bangla worker someone enter my dream too.... what the hack! I'm going nutz! Anyway, I think it was her b'day, so I made some sort of blanket and wanted to give it to her (orange one, don't ask me why, looks alot like one of the towels I have at home), and at the same time, benny brought this orange hankerchief, with its end properly stitched (In the dream, I gave that to xin for her b'day which passed recently, but the threads came out or something, hence had to be restitched or what not... I'm not into stitching, so once again, don't ask me whether or not such is true, much less why both presents were made by me). Anyway, as I was walking to pearl's room, (I think i need to use some sort of name instead of constantly calling her, "her") as I wanted to pass her the blanket, but then when I was about to do so, I realised that her room was full of people, furthermore, people I know, who somehow know her (real bizzare). I was taken aback... They were laughing and what not, as if they were long time friends... Yogi was even lying on her bed, rolling about, while she was sitting beside, joking away...

Suddenly, I was struck by a deep feeling of emptiness and loneliness.....

With a sudden loss of objectives, I stood there dumbfounded, den like a zombie or something, walked to xin's room (just next door, my dream occured in some strange house, that looked exactly like mine), thinking of giving her the handkerchief, (on reflection, it was just to take my mind off pearl).. And I was confronted my Mrs Tan!!! (What the...) Apparently, she and xin were roommates.... I was stunned.... Since when did xin share a room with some 40++ 50++ lady? (Mrs Tan was my old neighbour) But anyway, xin wasn't in... Then I suddenly recalled that she was in my room, before I left to give the blanket to pearl... obviously I wasn't thinking too straight... so I took my leave, and went the pass the handkerchief to her, when suddenly, I don't know how, maybe I forgot already, I was at the national stadium or something for national day with my dad.... we were both cycling there... and throughout the security was so high (I saw a missile they dug up from around, which was like ancient, and 3-4 stories high)....

anyway, the rest of the dream is not important.... but equally bizzare... Only the part with pearl is still vividly engraved in my mind....

Anyway, a v.short poem that I wrote before I slept....


Forgetfulness - by -Emptiness-

The reason I tend to forget –
Countless things I dread and regret.
But more than these combined is that,
My heart, my mind, with you are kept.

じゃ、また。

Christmas gift....

Blind - by -Emptiness-

Search we may,
Though we will stray,
Till one day,
We find the ray.

One who dares,
To cast all cares,
Soul and heart,
To us impart.

Look around,
Those who surround,
Lest we find
That we were blind.


I'm planning to write this is the christmas card that i'm going to give to her.... haha.... can't really get more obvious than this eh... who knows? Anyway, she likes such kind of nice sounding stuff, so a poem which rhymes and has rhythm would surely appeal to her... Not to mention the drawing I've already done like ages ago in to give to her.... Yet to laminate it though... Really should go and do it soon... Hate to do things last minute, especially when it is such important stuff... More important than exams I reckon... I mean, a soulmate doesn't come everyday.... and I have exams galore....

Anyway, 24th Dec 2004 she better be free, else i'll cry my eyes out.... Or maybe I should meet her earlier or such, in case anything happens.... arghh.... crap.... but 24th is the eve..... its special right? Let me see, I have...... 13 more days to go, exclusive of Xmas eve itself... wahhhaa... lemme just go find a card for her today... Don't think i'll have anything to do...

Just gotta hope that if she actually understands the poem, she doesn't like freak out or anything... I rather have a close friend than none...

Undecided.... Though I really shouldn't be....

My Godsend -- by -Emptiness-

Alone I walked,
The cobbled road.
All by myself,
With no one else.

The autumn leaves,
Dance in the breeze,
Painting pictures,
Maroon mixtures.

My body tires,
Painful and sore.
My soul hungers,
For friends and more.

For someone able,
To share my heart,
And not label
Me an “Upstart”.

Yet none are willing,
To walk this path.
All still fearing,
To incur their wrath.

But care, should I,
What others may say?
Headstrong, I walk,
Not led astray.

By hushed whispers,
And subtle chides,
Just to conform,
And save their hides.

To them I say,
Begone! And stay,
Away from me,
Is all I pray.

Hence once again,
Alone I walk,
Down this path,
Now long and dark.

But to myself,
This much I pray,
That, someday,
Find, I may,

Someone to share,
My heart, my mind.
On me depend,
For her defend.

Beacon of light,
To end my plight,
A close friend,
My Godsend.




Quite obvious from this poem what I want eh? haha... Anyway, just went out with her earlier...　Supposed to meet her at 6.30, became 7, then 8, den i waited for her at the MRT till 8.15 or so.... wow.... talk about puntuality... but she was having lots of stuff to do, so i can't blame her.... this is what happens when you are too thoughtful for others, buying gifts and stuff for everyone... not to mention this will also make holes in your pocket...

Anyway, went to yamaha and played the piano.... couldn't play the FFX song properly though.... this is what happens when you don't have a piano at home.... without practise, you can't play it properly.... damn....Den got a couple come and play at another piano. So there we have it, 2 gals, 2 guys, in one sound proof, transparent room with lots of pianos -- a dangerous mixture, for better or worse... I play one song, they play one song, and vice versa. Like some sorta duel, exchanging blows. And i made a big 'boo boo' -- tried to play fantasie impromtu, but couldn't go past the first few bars.... arghhh.... all my skills have gone down the drain... anyway, we dueled till the lights went out, and we knew its time to go...

We then went to look for the gift for her dad... Choc, and tea, and choc, apparently... its amazing how such a big place like Carrefour, has such a limited range of chocs.... i mean, for its size.... absolutely mindboggling.... And after spending an astounding 30++ mins searching for chocs alone, mostly standing there staring at the wide range of chocs, (amazing how lack of choice actually makes u think harder), we finally decided on 3 small packets of choc.... wow... talk about wasting time.... I really have to learn from her....

Next, the search for a wraping paper.... In our frantic search, we actually came across a nice paper, with the 12 consellations on it.... I found that it looked damn arty, and posh, but unfortunately, my vote was vetoed.... In the end, went for some starry one, that we saw at another shop....

As we were going back, in the MRT station, she surprised me with a Christmas gift.... way before christmas i must say, but still, very nice and sweet of her... I guess that is why I like her... haha... However, this is where the problem comes in.... which i'm sure is because i think too much... but i'm pretty sure she just treats me as an ordinary friend... which isn't exactly what I treat her as.... but, as usual, in lieu of my horrendous past experience, I don't really show my feelings in a outright, straight forward manner.... Don't want to lost a good friend if I fail to get her to be my girlfriend.... Sigh.... life.... so much considerations that i've gotta make.... In the card she gave me, she just wrote a simple line, or should i say 2,

"Wishing you joy, love, happiness...." & "may all your sweet dreams come true....."

Ironic in the sense since she has been a part of my dreams for some time already..... wahhaa.... that's why I dislike to dream now... I know that it isn't real... When I wake from my dream, here I am again, the dreams all vanish into thin air, and i'm left with a feeling, which I know is just a deception... I don't mind dreaming about things that I know can't happen, like dinosaurs eating away at my HDB block, or falling into an endless abyss.... cause though they are scary, at the end of the dream, I know that it is not real... But such sweet dreams with her in it seem so very real and plausible, that I am so utterly deceived, that I wake up with a great sense of emptiness, realising that none of it is true, or at the moment at least. Life can be so frustrating... One of the reasons why recently, I actually write poems, which I never actually do...

So once again, I am left undecided. Does she have a slightest inclination towards me, or is this all just a bad dream, where love or liking, or whatever, is one sided?

"思念通常只有一个方向。因为你思念的人，未必会思念你呀!"

Or maybe,

爱情太苦，相处太累，我只要这样聊天、偷得一点熟悉的温柔和呵护，就好了。真的。

I know I've posted this two phrases before, but I just had to again.... These two phrases are so applicable to my situation now, and really strike a chord with my heart.... I really wonder how the authors come out with such perfect descriptions of how I feel.... or maybe, its cause they went through the same thing too, some time or another....

So once again, I'm 'caught in the middle'.....

Anyway, on to some lighter topics... I just found out that the school fees have increased!!!! By 200 dollars! How can they do this to me? First, they wait till the after I enlist to implement NSF pay rise, so that i don't benefit so much, then, last minute to decrease the NSF liability so that I wouldn't get to benefit, and now, to rub salt into an already sore wound, tell me that the uni school fees have increased by 200 bucks! This is so unfair! Yeow! crap... How unlucky can one guy get? Apparently, very.... not to forget I missed out on 2 of the 3 ERS shares that the government gave out up till date, just because i'm born 2 years earlier....

But then again, if i were 2 years older, would I have met her?

Hmm...... Life can be so complicated....

--- Peace --- *At least for the moment.*...

Finally, eureka! I suddenly thought of just calling her at home, instead of her handphone, to find out what's wrong... and, *surprise surprise*, I could get hold of her! Wow! That has not happened for sometime already.... Anyway, had a nice chat with her, and found out that her LG handphone was having PMS again... Why do people even bother with Korean products? The only export of any interest from that country would have to be Bae Yong Jun, the Winter Sonata guy.... He had legions of Japanese women swooning over him at Narita airport just recently... Anything else, please, forget it... Anyway, I suddenly realise I can't remember what we talked about..... other than the dental thingy... goodness.... I think my memory problem is getting more serious... wahhhaa.... hack... doesn't really matter.... One less memory, one less worry.... right? I guess so.... But there are some things I had better not forget.... for instance, that I am supposed to meet her later today at 6:30pm.... My memory had better not fail me then.... haha... I'd kill myself...

I was just able to write about say some stuff about free dental checkups, but realise, what the hack... doesn't fit with my theme here.... supposed to be about inner most thoughts, the space in between.... i'll just throw it in my other blog.... haha...

Anyway, I guess I can't really be sad when i'm going to meet her eh? Its hard to maintain a depressed mood when I'm not at the moment.... Shouldn't try to.... though just listening to some of them Final Fantasy X piano songs would do the trick in a jiffy.... However, even though I should be quite happy now, don't ask me why, there is still a slight lingering sense of something missing.... I've no idea what that is... I guess with the ups, must come the downs -- with happiness, must come sadness., joy with sorrow, excitement with boredom.... Such is life I guess.... Is there anything that I, or anyone else can do to change it? I doubt so.... Just live with it I guess....

Finally.... But what does it mean?

Ok... After a painstaking 31 hours, which by the way is the new record, she called... But no reception! Unable to talk due to this... In total, she called twice, but afterwhich, she did not bother anymore... Not even an sms, though I smsed her asking what's wrong with her phone... So, once again, I am left in the dark as to what she is trying to do... Great eh... Maybe its her LG handphone.... but anyway, lemme just put the blame on all Starhub.... STARHUB SUX!!! Someone else I know will protest vehemently if she knew I just wrote this, but anyway, its the lesser evil, of my 2 options.... to blame starhub, or to blame her... Really doesn't make much sense to blame starhub though.... no other starhub user I know, has such problems, though i reckon i can count the number of starhub users I know on one hand... goodness...

Anyway, life goes on... maybe I should stop thinking so much eh... Yes... I really should.... Lemme think about something else now to take my thoughts of it...

*pause*

Can't think of any... Damn... At times I just wish I was simpleminded and think less... much less... It doesn't really do much good to think so much... Fortunately, I've got good friends, or just one in particular now, to keep me company, (he just left to bathe... just when I was saying that... crap) so I can take my mind of such pointless banter...

Still, life goes on...

Pain lingers on....

At my wits end.... or issit?

Ok... its now more than 24 hours..... If I can recall correctly, it should be about 29 hours already, since I last smsed her, but apparently, still no reply! Its a new record! Furthermore, I actually called like 5 hours ago, and I bet you can guess what happened anyway.... no one picked up, and still no reply.... Its damn strange how some people have like 2 sides to them... Perhaps she is one of these people... When I actually manage to contact her, we can talk and stuff, often for more than an hour... about all sorts of nonsense... However, when I don't manage to, which is, as you would know now, damn often, it seems like she is a totally different person... How can 1 person have 2 so opposite and different sides to her? Maybe its just one of the great mysteries of this world... totally mind boggling... I'll bet now that when she calls in reply, she'll have some excuse for it again.... though most probably it is true, as I don't have the impression that she is that kind of chronic liar... However, as I strive to be a logical person, I must confess that such a rate of uncontactability is immensely more than the proper average that is allowed by statistics... Save something serious (touch wood) happens to her, I really am beginning to doubt the impression I have created about her.... Thinking about such things is proving to be too much for my mind to take....

I'm at my wits end!!!

However, if that is the case, why am I currently quite calm? Maybe I have crossed the boundary of anxiety, to that of hopelessness and vain... Perhaps I am now too tired to give a crap about such matters, though that would be rather contradictory, considering that I even am writing this post now.... or issit that i'm just too bored now? Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps..... I reckon that there are just too many perhaps in this life.... someone almighty and powerful should just put an end to this perhaps once and for all, and make life more consistent, and predictable.... They say that life wouldn't be fun if its all dandy and predictable... but I seriously beg to differ.... It's killing me.... Reminds me of the song : "Killing me softly with his words", just that this time, its "Killing me softly with the lack of her words"... This gradual death is painstakingly slow.... I rather it just end now -- Die now, i.e. Lose all interest in her right now, or else, she just call me now, and remain more contactable! Wonder whether anyone else out there has such a similar experience to mine... who knows? The world is so big, i'm sure there would be 1, 2, if not many more of such incidences throughout. To all you people out there, all the best! You are not alone! As if it helps.... *sigh*

Anyway, words of wisdom from a friend's blog, which she got from a book:

爱情太苦，相处太累，我只要这样聊天、偷得一点熟悉的温柔和呵护，就好了。真的。

じゃ、また！

Emptiness (Final edition)

Sometimes, in the midst of friends,

There is an invisible wall.

All around me it extends,

Resilient, sturdy and tall.

Imprisoned within this void,

A place no one else can enter,

A vacuum null and devoid,

Of pleasure, joy and laughter.

In vain, I try to breakout,

Hammering the walls until both

Hands bleeds, tired and worn out,

In great anguish, I swore an oath:

That my life won’t be so dull --

All around me are just smiles.

Outwardly, I joked with them,

Yet inside, there’s this loneliness,

That I hide away from them,

As none can grasp this emptiness.

Trying to veil this feeling,

I hear how strange my laughter sounds,

As if someone is moving

My lips, my body he bounds.

Like a puppet tied to thread,

I dance on to entertain,

No words escape, no tears I shed,

Though I want to holler in pain,

That my life can be so dull

Even though around me are just smiles.

Who can I relate to? To

Whom can I express my inner-

Most thoughts? Or am I condemned

Just because I am a sinner?

To walk this long road alone,

With just myself as company,

Through the expanse, the unknown,

Reciting Buddhist litany?

Around me now, the world seems

Like a facade -- artificial.

Where people don masks and scheme,

Resembling a drama serial

The actors, faces concealed,

Go about their lives, with hidden

Secrets yet to be revealed,

While all along, feigning concern.

Pretending to help, giving

Worthless advice, which sounds like

Words of wisdom, misleading

Me to think they care when, in truth,

All they care about,

Is themselves.

My life is so dull because

All around me are just snarls.

Someone...

Its 6am here, and I can't sleep... My one and only pleasure in life... But I can't complain, since I've been sleeping since 8pm yesterday, exclusive of the afternoon nap I had. All I can do is to wonder in amazement how people actually manage to sleep for 14++ hours at a go... It just totally amazes me... Bastards...

Anyway, woohoo! Its already 22 hours and she hasn't replied me! WOW!!! (dripping with sarcasm) As they say, love is blind.... Why in the world do I even like her? 如何して？ Ok, apart from the obvious that she is pretty, which isn't really a consideration since I didn't bother with her when I first knew her, what could be the reason(s)? She isn't really smart, and can't hold any intellectual debate with me, but yet, her simplemindedness is a draw in itself. She makes everything seem so new and interesting, like something just discovered -- the excitement of finding out something new. From her little acts, it is also apparent that she is a very thoughtful person, (all except a particular one, relating to contactability), buying gifts for those around her, sparing a thought for others. Like the one time she broke her slipper, and could have just gotten into the back seat of the car which was so much more convenient, but still hobbled to the passenger seat -- I was driving. Similar to me, though cheery on the outside, she has a deeper self, a loner character, which when related to me, sounded so much like myself. Though we have different interests , we share quite a few, such as watching dramas, movies, enjoying beautiful scenery, talking about everything under the sun...

Why then do I even think so much? Just the curse of the intellectual but emotional person. My mind tells me one thing, that maybe the sms didn't reach her, or that she is sick, or something else, but my heart tells me another, that she dislikes me, that she can't be bothered. Good thing no one else will know who I am =) Under no circumstances would I ever reveal these thoughts to others if they knew me... I'm starting to love this... writing under anonymity... Anyway, time flies through the darkest hour, and hopefully, this will pass soon.... As I read in a Chinese book:

"思念通常只有一个方向。因为你思念的人，未必会思念你呀!"

Sigh... How true that is... Why torment myself? Why not let fate take its course? If it is meant to be, it is meant to be... Why inflict pain on myself, in the secret places of my heart?

People are irrational, emotional creatures.

I totally agree.

Emptiness

Sometimes, in the midst of friends,

I am separated by an invisible wall.

All around me it extends,

Imperceptible, yet sturdy and tall.

As I am imprisoned in this void,

A place no one else can enter,

A vacuum null and devoid,

Of joy and laughter,

I wonder how life can be so dull,

When all around me are just smiles.

Outwardly, I joke along with them,

Yet, deep inside, there is an emptiness,

That I hide away from them,

As no one will understand this loneliness.

The more I try to conceal this feeling,

The stranger my laughter sounds,

As if someone else, not me, is moving

My lips, my body he bounds.

Like a puppet tied to the thread,

To his jovial tune I dance to entertain,

Though all I want is to holler in pain,

But no words escape, just a tear I shed.

I wonder how life can be so dull

When all around me are just snarls.

Holidays - Ruined!!

Heaven

I really have to commend the NUS administration for so efficiently wrecking my holidays.... Don't they need a break or something? Just when i'm about to make the switch over to the holiday mood, they manage to throw this online preference bidding nonsense right smack at my face! Now, i've got to actually think about what modules i'm going to take next sem... Furthermore, perhaps as another means of encouraging analytical thinking which they constantly emphasise upon, their explaination of this bidding nonsense is close to non-exsistent.... I reckon they expect me to figure it out my myself.....

Anyway, i'm still waiting for a particular someone to sms me back.... lemme see, its been like 10 hours already? WOW!!!! She's coming close to beating her old record!!! Of course, I can't possibly blame her... She always has her reasons.... RIGHT.... or maybe starhub just sux.... the hubbing experience eh.... or the lack of it.... what utter nonsense... Its amazing how those advertisers can so blatently show people using starhub services with close to orgasmic emotions.... Hmm.... maybe if they keep up with this horrendous service, i'd have that kinda expression on my face too -- I'd have gone crazy!

And finally! The drilling has ceased for the day! Freedom! Lemme just try not to think bout tomorrow though....

Frustration

Drilling drilling drilling... someone should just throw something at them... The only enjoyment in my life, my sleep, where dreams seem so real, was once again unduely interrupted at 8am in the morning.... Can't they find something else to do that to keep up with the HDB upgrading scheme? It's like a battlezone here, everyday, from 8am to 5pm, I hear all sorts of funny noises -- Drilling, sawing, shouting, and drilling. Even once nice HDB blocks look like monsters now... Usually, blocks have 2 lifts each.... The ones here are going to have 5!!!! I mean, how many lifts do you possibly need? I don't think there are that many wierdos who go around Singapore visiting the different lifts just for experience or what not... Anyway, what's up with some people not replying my smses? Seems like they take it as a hobby, to reply me like hours later, or some, even days.... Is it supposed to be like wine? Better with age? I haven't got all day! Life is as short as it is! Though, at times I wish it was shorter....

If only I had a digital camera, I would be taking so many more photos... Photography is one of the ways to express yourself in my opinion... Emotions and thoughts, all can be conveyed through just one simple photo... But since I don't have a camera.... I reckon the next best alternative is to learn how to draw.... Perhaps one day I can draw actual landscapes that can convey my thoughts and feelings...

This Dreary World

Morning Blues

I've decided that this blog will just be for me to draw the world from my perspective, bleak and dull as it is... As much as people all say that life is exciting and fun, I beg to differ... Cheer and joy are just a fragile facade for the dullness that is in all of us... Ain't there times when we just stand and look all around us.... fun and laughter everywhere, except here? When the lights are out, the birds sleeping, the stillness of the night, it becomes oh so much more apparent... Anyway, as they say, pictures paint a thousand words, or just one word in particular in this case...