10 Examples

Though its only a few days since I last blogged here, it seems like such a long time... 度日如年。 I hate her... But more than that, I hate myself... Why did I even get myself into this situation? So many things happened from the last time I blogged till now.... Or at least that's what it seems to me... But I don't feel like blogging about it... I don't feel like doing anything now... I know that if I don't blog about it now, I most probably will forget the details, and might even forget the events, but what the hack.... I really have no strength to do it... sorry diary...

Haha.... and I just realised I bruised myself on my left arm without knowing it... shit.... Why does everything remind me of her?

I want to throw everything that she gave me, or that makes me remember her out of my room, into the rubbish bin... but I really can't bear to do it... Furthermore, my handphone itself is a memory of her... I hate her! I hate myself! I hate NUS!

I want to study to take my mind off her, but I really can't. I tried, again and again, whether do homework, study social work, study economics, all cannot! Why am I like that? As that song went, "Loving someone, don't be too serious. Why let yourself, keep on sinking deeper?". I have to agree with her mum... never love someone who loves you less than you love her... All you'll get is lots of pain... Especially when she is that kind of 脚踏两船 person... I just hate myself... nah.... I think I just hate her...

They say that if you fail horribly in one relationship, experiencing a lot of pain, you'll know how to appreciate a true love when it comes by. I say to those people, Screw You! If my life is anything to go by, it is proven that you'll just grow numb, and become heartless... like her... She says she is sensitive... my foot! A sensitive person, who really loves the other person, will not bear to see the other person in pain... I finally understand why GW treat her like that, ignoring her phone calls, and play 'missing' with her... maybe he felt the same way as me... I really don't know.... How could my intuition about who she is, her character be so wrong? Even up till now, part of me tells me that she is a very sensitive, loving, caring, considerate, kind, gentle person, who would never want to hurt the people around her, what more the person she claims she loves... Her actions, which prove otherwise, somehow can't just get into my thick skull... What's wrong with me?

A few recent small examples:
1. Called her while she is in the toilet... she said she'll call back.... never did
2. Called her and she said she wanted to study... later found out she did not study at all, and was talking to other people, and didn't even call me... I had to call her...
3. When I am depressed, and she knows it, instead of helping me up, she throws her temper on me.
4. When I wanted to meet her at orchard, when she was with sherning, she told me not to 'make her confused'. She could have just told sherning that she was meeting me or something and that she had to go...
5. In the morning or watever time, its always I who call her, not she who calls me.... so much about me ignoring her.... which she actually said in one of her smses... that I was ignoring her...
6. I always pick up her calls, whatever time, unless I don't hear it... ie. sleeping/bathing/not at my phone, unlike her, who has many many times, refused to pick up my calls, or just hang up on me...
7. When I say something insensitive, which is hard to prevent... people do make mistakes, she hangs up the phone on me.
8. When we quarrel, which is quite often since she always got PMS, its always me who has to call her up and settle the problem.... when she makes me angry, and I TMS, which is much much less, she doesn't do so...
9. I waited downstairs at her house for 2 hours before she turned up.... she says her parents didn't let her go... ok, but seriously, 2 hours? Can't you just walk out the door? Say that someone is waiting for you and not nice to keep him waiting?
10. When she throw tantrum at me, I went down to her place at 2:30am and she ask me to go home... told her just see me through the window, she also refuse...

Hate

I hate Japanese studies,
I hate MSN.
I hate PGP,
I hate Ghandi.
I hate West Coast Mac,
I hate central library.

I hate West Mall,
I hate drawn portraits.
I hate Great World City,
I hate Samsung,
I hate Ya Kun Kaya Toast,
I hate Tiong Bahru Park

I hate Biz Comp Lab,
I hate Computing Studies.
I hate Perk Point,
I hate Indonesian.
I hate tidbits,
I hate pineapple tarts.

I hate Henderson
I hate Tiong Bahru Plaza.
I hate Chinese songs.
I hate Creative.
I hate SBS 33,
I hate SBS 51.

I hate white,
I hate skirts.
I hate long hair,
I hate nail polish.
I hate flowers,
I hate soft toys.

I hate babies,
I hate Andy Lau.
I hate seashells,
I hate pearls.
But most of all,
I hate you.

Let her go!!!

Ivan, it's time to let go...

Logic tells you so.
Do as you are told.
Let go!

She is not the one for you. She is not. Trust you logic, not your emotions. Be friends, that's ok. But no more of this ambiguous relationship. It's not good for your health, it's not good for your studies, it's not good for your relationship with your friends. Maybe next time. Maybe not. You've been at this decision for a long time enough, just that you can't bear to let go. As they say, 懂得拿得起，就要懂得放得下。 Just treat her as a friend k? Just a friend... You can laugh with her, can chat with her, just don't fall in love with her... Not now when she has a official boyfriend anyway...

Letting go...

Break My Heart -- By -Emptiness-

Let me forget,
Don't want to think about her.
But I fear regret,
How can I let go? I'm not sure.

I've decided,
That she'll be my first and last.
I was deluded,
That true love is unsurpassed.

If that's the case,
Why can't I bear to let go?
I'm sick of this chase,
And the pain that she bestows.

I want to return,
To the way I was before.
Don't show me concern,
Just slam shut the freakin' door.

Don't answer my calls,
Nor talk to me when we're in school.
Don't help me when I fall,
Just laugh at me like I'm a fool.

And never ever,
Let me see your glistening tears.
Only you can sever,
My love, my care, my sincere prayers.

You have him.
I have none.
You have felt pain,
And know how it's done.

So just depart,
Turn around and break my heart.
Our love is done,
Before it has even begun.

Love

Love has a way of turning your life upside down....
If you have any doubt of the other's feelings,
Or worry that the other might have doubt about yours,
You can't sleep
You can't eat
You can't do anything

Nothing is fun
Nothing is worth doing
You feel like just stonning
No, sorry.... not even stonning
You just don't feel like doing anything
And don't feel like not doing anything too

You just feel like shit...

My heart's thoughts...

Once Bitten, Twice Shy -- By -Emptiness-

Spare me a moment,
And an open ear.
I’ve got some sound advice,
If you’re willing to hear.

Never fall in love,
Nor open up your heart.
Because if you do,
You’d just be torn apart.

But liking someone,
Cannot be controlled.
If that is the case,
Don’t say you were not told.

But do not fret,
Nor lose all hope,
If you can’t help,
But fall in love.

Just heed this word,
I’m about to stress:
Never fall in love,
With a pretty lass.

There’ll be much pain,
And suitors galore.
Even if she loves you,
The rest are hard to ignore.

Especially when she’s nice,
And tries not to break a heart.
But the problem is,
You’ll fear that she’ll depart.

And if she doesn’t leave,
And sticks with you throughout,
She’ll still compare you,
With the other louts.

And even if there are none,
And you’re the only one.
Her ex-boyfriends alone,
Will make you feel outdone.

What makes me say all this?
I’m just your next-door guy.
But as the saying goes,
“Once bitten, twice shy”.

Gotta accept me as I am

8-10th March 2005

Really really stormy time for me... She came back from Genting, and was like suddenly so distant from me... due to this religion thing... throwing her temper and scolding me, crying hysterically and etc etc... So much so that I could not bare to see her in such pain that I decided to throw logic out of the window, and just follow her based solely on impulse... I knew that if I even thought about it, I would decide otherwise, so the only way was to do it on impulse... Really couldn't bare to see her in such hurt.... so on tues night (8th March), I just went to stay with my mum, deciding that what the hack, just do it... Choose her, and throw my logic out the window... Had a long chat with her, or should I say spent a long time bearing with her scolding, crying and pmsing.... But what can I do? Often, I feel helpless, as I can't help but want to make her happy... My dad, and those who I am staying with were all like wondering "WTF", what in the world is this guy doing? Why suddenly stay overnight with his mum? In fact, I didn't even intend to come back.... -_"-

But, on wed, after spending an entire day with her, I realised something. While walking with her to the bus stop from business school, though I held her hand, there was like some sort of barrier between us... It was very cold.... very distant... At this moment, I suddenly realised that this is how married couples felt, or at least, those who are married for some time already... I've known some of them, and have always wondered how come there can be marital problems, if they loved each other so much... At this point, I realised, or should I say, I think I felt how they feel....

Is it worth it to give up God, and everything I hold dear, for this? Is it? Furthermore, people's feelings change... what if 6 years from now, she finds someone else that she really likes too, and goes with him instead? It's not as if I'm damn rich or something... Then, I would be left with absolutely nothing.... And even if this is not the case, my very act of doing such a thing would make me expect a lot more from her.... The more you sacrifice, the more you expect in return... it's something that no one can change.... Everyone is the same in this aspect.... those that say no, are just lying.... I mean, there is a reason why love easily changes to hate right? This is it folks... THE reason... And I've no intention to hate her.... nope.... not one bit... Just wanna see her happy.... so that means I cannot put too much expectations on her.... Anyway, putting too much expectations on her would change my basic personality, and the way I talk / do things with her... she'll feel very stressed...

Though I already saw this, on thursday, I still did not want to listen to logic... I tried to use logic to prove that I should be with her.... Spent all my free time the entire day, trying to plan out how my life would be if I went with her.... And the picture wasn't rosy at all... Even if I'm going to be a high flyer, we'd still be financially problematic.... Mainly due to her health I would say... Her health isn't exactly fantastic... and I'm statistically, there is a co-relation between parent's health and the health of the child... If this is the case, the kids that we'd have would require medical attention too.... and if its two kids, that's going to be a huge financial burden... Furthermore, she would most probably stay home and take care of the kids, firstly, cause she wouldn't be able to work, constantly thinking, worrying about the kids... Secondly, I don't exactly feel safe for her to work, since she isn't exactly very street smart, or gifted in the IQ department...

Anyway, had a long chat with her over the phone too... She was really angy at me that I didn't call her in the morning.... and only smsed her at around 11am after my tutorial... There were two reasons.... One is that she needed sufficient sleep, cause she was going to visit her niece and nephew who were down with Hand Foot and Mouth Disease, and needed to have a strong immune system... The second, is that I was so preoccupied with trying to convince myself that going with her is the right choice, I had no strength to talk to her.... I needed all my effort to try and convince myself... Cause, in my heart, I already knew the answer to this choice that I have to make.... Just that I don't want to make this choice.... I really don't... I'm too afraid that she cannot take it... The thing that really makes my resolve break down all the time is when I see her cry, and great pain....


11th March 2005

As much as I really love her, and want to have her by my side, as my girlfriend, I've finally realised one thing -- If she cannot accept me for who I am, then I think she should just go with Sherning. When you love someone, you love the person as a whole, not just the good, nor the bad... You're willing to accept that person, and not expect the person to change just for you... I guess this is what love is... So told her in the evening, after spending the entire afternoon at Perk Point doing our Social Work Term Paper (I didn't want what I was about to say to affect her work), that this is who I am, and she has got a choice laid in front of her. She could either choose me, as who I am, or go with Sherning. Either way, I won't blame her, and would still want to have her as a close friend.

Either way, I really really do love her...

But it simply isn't healthy in a relationship to quarrel over such matters just around 4 months of being together... Its not as if we are getting married tomorrow... If we are, then if we don't quarrel, something is very wrong.... But there is still at least 6 more years to go, and during this 6 years, anything can happen.... Who would know what would happen?

Unexpectedly, she accepted it quite ok.... I was expecting something really drastic.... It never materialised... perhaps it will soon.... I think its just covered.... but what the hack.... Life's like that....

12 - 16th March

Went to her house 2 times, to do work, SW term paper... Basically, nothing much of real interest happened.... Except one thing --> Really enjoyed myself =) haha.... Spent time with her basically everyday, on the phone, in person.... On Monday, even wanted to cycle to her place in the middle of the night.... her dad was not around, and we were planning for some sort of mission impossible crazy plan.... I hide in her room.... haha.... but who was to guess.... while pumping air just before setting off for that long journey, the rear tire air came all out.... I couldn't pump air anymore, as there is no pressure in the tire to start with.... Have to get one of those normal basket ball pumps of bicycle pumps in order to fix this problem.... sigh.... So all our plans went down the drain.... -_"-... Of course, got quarrel a few times.... actually, more like I listen to her scold me, and throw her temper.... sigh....

But I really like her too much.... too too much....

Religion

Once again.... the main problem in our relationship, or so she and her parents feel....

Religion...

I'm Christian, she's Christian... what's the big problem? She feels that I'm too staunch... But, I mean, if she is Christian too, and believes that God cares for us, and loves us more than any other, then why is she so unwilling to let God care? Why is she so unhappy that I am staunch? Why? Unless she believes that God doesn't care, doesn't love her... That God is out to harm her...

Does it make sense? What she says doesn't match what she wants me to do...

Why? I really really really really really really love her a lot... But there are somethings that I know I must not change... That there are some things that I cannot change if I really mean what I say when I say I love her...

Frustrated

I can't take it!

Been waiting so long just to hear from her when she comes back from Malaysia today, which is supposed ot be around 4pm... She never called, nor smsed me... So, I smsed her... Twice.... But no reply to either time... So I finally called her up at around 8pm... She told me she'll call me back... So I waited.... for 5 hours...

Arnd 12.00am: I called her again, she said she'll call me back again... and she sounded fierce...
Arnd 1.00am: She called, saying that she'll go wash her face, then call me back..
Arnd 1.20am: I called her... She doesn't take that long to wash her face... She just said she'll call me back...
Arnd 2:00am: Now... I'm still waiting for her call...

Arghhhhhhhhhhh.... Just to talk to her, after so long, is so painful... Its not that wound kind of pain... its that slow, tearing of my spirit... not knowing what she is up to... not knowing how she feels for me... and I start to question her love for me... And she complains that she feels abandoned (refer to that yenjun incident)... This is much worse... and this is not the first time... She tells me she feels abandoned... how bout me? Sounding so fierce, so formal, so cold, telling me she'll call back, making me wait for hours, not even an sms... What is she up to? Doesn't she know how I feel, and how her actions cause my heart to go up and down?

Hello! I'm feeling abandoned here too.... And my feeling actually has more reason and basis than her's... She knows for sure I'm not interested in yenjun, and that I don't even see her / go out with her... But I know that she does go out with sherning...

Furthermore, I never make her wait for hours just to talk to me.... Why does she always do this to me? Why?!?!?! Damn it! I can't take it!!!! At least an sms.... just one.... but nono..... Just tell me what you are doing.... please?

Can't you see that I've opened my heart to you? That I've let down all my defenses? Can't you see that to you, I'm totally vulnerable? Can't you see that I'm weak and frail, a helpless puppy at your command? To others, I don't open my heart to them... how they treat me, I don't care... but you......

*sigh*

Almost....

She's almost back from Genting!

Almost....

Been thinking of her all the time... I think I'm going a bit nutz too... Checking my handphone to see if she got sms/call even when I know she can't, since she is in Malaysia....

*sigh*

I miss you...

I guess I'm just nutz...

She's gone.... for 2 days... around there... back only on monday... Just left like 2 hours ago... And I'm already missing her! wahhaaa.... I think i'm nutz.... help me someone! 2 long days.... Sunday, Monday... She'll only be back Monday afternoon....

Anyway, more detailed recap of our last quarrel.... 28th Feb...

We were studying at Perk Point, and I was using her comp, on MSN... Saw yenjun online, and Pearl was in a v.playful mood... so she impersonated me, and told yj I missed her.... It went on for a while, and yj replied that she missed me too.... -_"-... I told Pearl that she had to tell yj that it was her, not me... I didn't want to cause anyone a heart break, especially considering yj's character, the quiet type... I basically didn't want to bring anyone's hope up, just to smash it... damn painful....

So, when Pearl logged off without telling yj that it was her, and not me, I drew the line there... grabbed the comp, and told yj that I was Pearl... I didn't expect that this would cause a huge problem later...

Pearl felt that she was abandoned, that I cared for yj more than I did for her... I didn't expect that she would feel this way... In this aspect I'm not sensitive enough... I wish I knew then, before it all occured... So, Pearl felt very hurt, and I could see it.... I tried to apologize, and to explain to her, to show her that I cared not for yj, but for her... But I guess she couldn't believe it at that moment... cause my actions earlier proved otherwise... I really didn't realise it until it was over... if I did, I wouldn't have done it... I rather hurt yj, than hurt Pearl... Guess I don't have enough experience in such matters to deal with them correctly...

I accompanied Pearl back home, but throughout, she was angry and hurt... The thing that hurt me the most, was that she wasn't throwing a tantrum, or something... It was that she was trying to act as if nothing happened, as if it didn't concern her... as if she wasn't affected... And giving me the cold shoulder -- apathy... This is when I realised that being ignored, is so much more painful than being scolded, being beaten... Its like a kris, a stab, then a twist...

I called her at night, and she still was very cold towards me... talked till 4am, but couldn't do anything... Was supposed to meet the next day morning before going for the SW visit, but she decided not to meet in the end due to this...

1st March...

Had a very disrupted sleep, till around 9am, when the first thing I did when I woke was to call her, to see if she was still angry.... She still was... was still very cold to me... At around 11am or so, I smsed her:

"I get the feeling you don't ever want to see me again... Is that true?"

Cause when I asked her to go together to SW visit, she said she'll meet me there... She replied, asking me to come over to her place, as her da ge will fetch us there... So I went, and throughout the journey, I know she was trying to be friendly... but after experiencing last night and today morning of cold shoulder treatment, my mood just couldn't change so quickly... there was a lot of tension between the two of us... Even during the SW visit itself, I didn't even ask a single question, all the time thinking about this issue... A lot a lot of tension...

After the thing, I told her I'm sorry that I'm like that, but I can't change my mood so quickly... She told me that she already said sorry, and if I'm still like that, then let it be... That's when I realise that she stlil thought I was angry with her for that issue... I wasn't at all... it was nowhere even near my mind... I would have, at that spot, told yj i loved her, then immediately that i hate her, to smash her feelings into bits, just to make Pearl happy.... I told Pearl then that I wasn't angry at her at all for that incident... its just the cold shoulder treatment she gave me that caused me to be in this mood... I could see her mood change too then... and finally, after 1 day of tension, we got back together.... Any later, and I might have died already...

As for the rest of the day, I spent it at Pearl's place studying... act, didn't really study much... haha... just went there to spend time with her... When u are with the person u like, doesn't matter what you are doing... Anyway, after what happened earlier, I didn't even want to study... I just wanted to hold her close, and feel her heartbeat on my chest, to kiss her lips...

Anyway, I left her place after 12 midnight... and missed the last bus... wanted to take a cab, then realised cause I didn't bank in that cheque, I had no money.... so walked home instead... Proven, it takes a little under 1hour and 30mins to walk from my place to hers... fortunately I was wearing shoes, else I would have died of blisters... =)

绝

She claims its her fault, that she was childish and stupid... I don't care!!! I don't care if its her fault, or my fault!!! I know she felt that I kinda like abandoned her at that point of time, when she was doing that thing... I never wanted to! I didn't realise! I'm stupid! I want her to throw a tantrum, to scold me, to beat me! But she didn't...

Instead, she acted as if everything is normal, and insisted on going home. She didn't talk to me, she didn't look at me... while I held her, she didn't respond...

Cold Turkey Treatment...

I call her on the phone in the night, after sending her back, made the issue sound like its an 'of course' or 'expected' thing, that she can take it, that it doesn't affect her... I know it does.... Its just like she slammed shut the door to her heart, and I'm outside desperately trying to get in... I smsed her in the night, no reply... I called her in the morning, she sounded the same as yesterday night...

Just because I did something stupid yesterday, in a moment of folly, she has been tormenting me ever since... from yesterday night, all the way till right now... Can someone, who's innate nature is rather caring, gentle and thoughtful, become so 绝 just because of experiences with her ex boyfriend? Can it? In fact, when I called her in the morning, she was still able to go and study... If I were in her shoes, I don't think I'd be able to study anymore... Too affected... But she still can!!! Do I even matter to her anymore? Do I? What am I to her? To be used and thrown like a whore?

Even the dream I had just before I woke up showed it all... I dreamt that she basically locked me out from her heart.... She was crying or something, and I kept on asking her what it is she is so hurt by.... But she doesn't want to tell me... She didn't look at me, didn't talk to me, didn't respond when I held her... Same as in real life.... The only difference was that the location was at my house this time... But what's the diff? Its the same thing...


Just a Friend -- By -Emptiness-

I laugh when she speaks,
Her simple nature draws me close.
And cry when she weeps,
Her fragile heart who else knows?

But I'm just a friend,
Fated never to be anymore.
A means to an end,
To be used, then thrown like a whore.

But what can I do?
Like a puppy I heed her call.
But even pups need love too,
Some care and concern, however small.