Lost...

Shit... I'm neither for God, nor am I for the world...

Went for granny's b'day today, and realised how backward I am, how much I'm lacking, how much I need to catch up on, if I am actually going to live a life of a normal person.... as in make a living for myself in the world... To live in this world, you've gotta have connections (friends / relatives), personality, confidence, charisma, intellect.... I've got intellect, but i'm so lacking in the rest... I seriously don't think I can survive out there.... I'm just like a little child still... a 22 year old one at that...

Why am I in this state? I am naturally like that already... It's just that while most people adapt and change and improve due to the necessities of life, I'm still at square one.... cause I can't possibly try and change while I'm trying to walk God's way... how can you strive to get everything, become capable, build up ur business empire, while God wants you to let go of everything, and focus on him alone first? I mean, I'm basically the same as daddy... When he was my age, he was also going through this phase... He used sheer determination to change himself, to make himself confident, build connections, lead and manage people...

But the greatest irony is that I'm not walking God's way.... and I don't think I want to too.... doesn't make sense eh... I just said I was trying to walk God's way... Basically, if I really wanted to walk God's way, I'd be glad when he takes control of my life, take away the things I love, and replace it with his will... Which is all part of walking God's way... But I'm not! So obviously, I'm not trying to walk God's way.... but instead hoping that by going to JC I can get what I want.... a good life, without worries, without stress, money, family, and what not... And of even more interest is that, I can't walk God's way.... God must make me walk his way... It doesn't depend on whether I want to or not... but whether God wants to make me walk or not... I'm so helpless...

If God doesn't want to make me walk.... If God just gives up on me, cast me aside....

I care for myself.. Too much....
Else I wouldn't have wrote all those things above that I just wrote....

I'm as far away from being saved as I ever am...

What has happened?

What happened to the initial feeling of love?
The passion, the desire, the need, the want to just hold each other in a tight embrace as if there is no tomorrow? To spend the night walking under the stars? To gaze into the horizon and feel the night breeze? What has happened? Where has this feeling gone to? I'm sure I still have it... I yearn to hold her, but I keep getting this feeling that she now treats me more as a friend. The passion has gone. Our midnight chats are more out of duty and habit, than due to the longing to hear my voice. If I feel the same way too, I really don't mind... But my heart for her has not changed... but I keep getting the feeling that hers has changed...

I ask her to come out, she says she'll think about it, and tell me later and stuff, even though she is surely free that day, with nothing to do... What happened to the passion? I want to hold her, though she is at work, but she shys away... Remember the time we held each other in a tight embrace in the middle of the pedestrian walkway, oblivious to all? What happened to that? So much has changed... So much, in such a short time.... Love.... What is it, really?

Update

040605 Sat
Just came back from the one week of ICT... met up with her, jing and hong. Went shopping with them, damn boring... Feels like i'm some sort of accessory... Anyway, went home with her... reached at around 10+pm... stayed till 11:30pm or so only, cause I got pissed off at her... she seemed so cold and distant, and was in a real bad mood.... due to her mensus no doubt, but still, spoils the whole mood... sickening... But settled with her over the phone when I got back....

060605 Mon
Went to visit her at her push cart... her first day of work... accompanied her for around and hour from 3:30 till 5pm... Selling aromatherapy... expensive stuff...

070605 Tues
Met her today... went to china town to walk walk... her dad came down with her nephew and niece and maids... family gathering -_"- ... Anyway, I think there is a serious problem between her and me... She keeps on giving me the feeling that i'm just an accessory... ok, I know that she has mensus pain, but still... I can't help feeling that way, and it affects my mood seriously.... When a couple goes shopping or anywhere, they do it together... Often, I feel as if she goes her own way, and doesn't care if I even follow her or not... she doesn't pull me along or something... what the hack... if she stops, she doesn't tell me at times, and if i'm looking at something, I can just later look up and find that she is gone... wtf.... I freakin hate it.... so showed her attitude, and got into another quarrel again.... who knows what will happen...