Lost...
Shit... I'm neither for God, nor am I for the world...
Went for granny's b'day today, and realised how backward I am, how much I'm lacking, how much I need to catch up on, if I am actually going to live a life of a normal person.... as in make a living for myself in the world... To live in this world, you've gotta have connections (friends / relatives), personality, confidence, charisma, intellect.... I've got intellect, but i'm so lacking in the rest... I seriously don't think I can survive out there.... I'm just like a little child still... a 22 year old one at that...
Why am I in this state? I am naturally like that already... It's just that while most people adapt and change and improve due to the necessities of life, I'm still at square one.... cause I can't possibly try and change while I'm trying to walk God's way... how can you strive to get everything, become capable, build up ur business empire, while God wants you to let go of everything, and focus on him alone first? I mean, I'm basically the same as daddy... When he was my age, he was also going through this phase... He used sheer determination to change himself, to make himself confident, build connections, lead and manage people...
But the greatest irony is that I'm not walking God's way.... and I don't think I want to too.... doesn't make sense eh... I just said I was trying to walk God's way... Basically, if I really wanted to walk God's way, I'd be glad when he takes control of my life, take away the things I love, and replace it with his will... Which is all part of walking God's way... But I'm not! So obviously, I'm not trying to walk God's way.... but instead hoping that by going to JC I can get what I want.... a good life, without worries, without stress, money, family, and what not... And of even more interest is that, I can't walk God's way.... God must make me walk his way... It doesn't depend on whether I want to or not... but whether God wants to make me walk or not... I'm so helpless...
If God doesn't want to make me walk.... If God just gives up on me, cast me aside....
I care for myself.. Too much....
Else I wouldn't have wrote all those things above that I just wrote....
I'm as far away from being saved as I ever am...
Went for granny's b'day today, and realised how backward I am, how much I'm lacking, how much I need to catch up on, if I am actually going to live a life of a normal person.... as in make a living for myself in the world... To live in this world, you've gotta have connections (friends / relatives), personality, confidence, charisma, intellect.... I've got intellect, but i'm so lacking in the rest... I seriously don't think I can survive out there.... I'm just like a little child still... a 22 year old one at that...
Why am I in this state? I am naturally like that already... It's just that while most people adapt and change and improve due to the necessities of life, I'm still at square one.... cause I can't possibly try and change while I'm trying to walk God's way... how can you strive to get everything, become capable, build up ur business empire, while God wants you to let go of everything, and focus on him alone first? I mean, I'm basically the same as daddy... When he was my age, he was also going through this phase... He used sheer determination to change himself, to make himself confident, build connections, lead and manage people...
But the greatest irony is that I'm not walking God's way.... and I don't think I want to too.... doesn't make sense eh... I just said I was trying to walk God's way... Basically, if I really wanted to walk God's way, I'd be glad when he takes control of my life, take away the things I love, and replace it with his will... Which is all part of walking God's way... But I'm not! So obviously, I'm not trying to walk God's way.... but instead hoping that by going to JC I can get what I want.... a good life, without worries, without stress, money, family, and what not... And of even more interest is that, I can't walk God's way.... God must make me walk his way... It doesn't depend on whether I want to or not... but whether God wants to make me walk or not... I'm so helpless...
If God doesn't want to make me walk.... If God just gives up on me, cast me aside....
I care for myself.. Too much....
Else I wouldn't have wrote all those things above that I just wrote....
I'm as far away from being saved as I ever am...
posted by - Emptiness - | 12:32 am
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