Hopelessness...

All But In Name -- by -Emptiness- (Final Version)

A beautiful lie,
A hidden sigh.
A hopeless love,
A tragic curse.

It’s such a shame,
We're all but in name.
Who is to blame,
That it’s just like a game?

A game of pretend,
Where we’re just good friends.
A hidden affair,
That none can declare.

It hurts so deep,
That I just weep.
For in my heart,
A dreadful cut.

Knowing that,
This just can’t last.
Knowing that,
She might become my past.

What can I do?
I have no clue.
Can we stop this pretend,
And be more than just friends?

And like an ostrich,
Stupid and naïve,
My head’s in the ditch,
As I try to believe:

“It will all be over,
And we will be together.
The storms we will weather,
As true love is forever.”

All But In Name

All But In Name -- by -Emptiness-

Hopeless love,
That is my curse.
Who's to blame?
We're all but in name.

And like an addict,
Hooked onto drugs.
It feels as though,
I’ve ran out of luck.

So much for break up...

Quarrelled with her again.... I realised that our quarrels tend to evolve around ignoring each other...

Woke up at 9am, then sent her sms, asking her how's everything... she didn't reply me.... I had to call her after my tut at 11am, then found out she was in tutorial... Was rather angry that she didn't reply my sms, but then I remembered what she said to me before... must make sure before making assumptions... so I smsed her asking her when she received my sms... she said just after her tut starts, which is around 10am... I was rather angry, but then I remembered that she had a hard day yesterday.... so I was about to just forget about it, when she smsed me telling me

"Just go ahead n b angry if u wan. I dont wish to bother about anything anymore. Im really tired".

I was just.... 'ok... I'll be angry then... ' I guess I was just pissed with that statement... anyway, wrote a poem for her, which started out rhyming, then later lost its rhyme, describing everything i wanted to say to her.... was thinking how to pass it to her, when i got an sms from jac asking me to go with pearl and her to canteen for lunch... i said ok, since i had to pass both of them stuff... and i could also pass the poem to her then... met them at 2pm, passed them the stuff, then told jac i had to go off... walked all the way to kent ridge, then got a call from xuan ling, asking me to come back... asking me not to make things difficult for her... telling me to pick up pearl's call... i didn't know she called me in the first place... walking... could not feel the vibration... anyway, didn't want to make things so awkward for her, so ok, went all the way back again... damn strange atmosphere...

I expected pearl to tell xuan ling that i had something on and had to go off.... and since i told jac that liao, it would have been settled already.... but nono... so anyway, later went with them to lib to study, though i wanted to go off liao... as much as i like her, she makes me feel so extra, like an accessory to her only... it's not the way i treat her.... i felt it was so meaningless... anyway, we settled down in the lib, then pearl and i went for a talk... talk and talk, and i really can't be angry at the gal i like.... seriously.... it's damn hard... i just want to hold her close and forget about everything... i know how she feels at that point of time.... deep inside, she is just like me.... so, at the end of it, settled our issue again, then went to study till around 7pm went she had to go off.... walked with her to kent ridge, and waited for 33....

But still i hate this feeling... it's neither here nor there... I want to hold her close, but i can feel that she is keeping her distance... at the same time, i can't leave her... goodness.... it's depressing... anyway, see how.... this disequilibrium will surely be altered by market forces, back to a long run equilibrium level, as economics theory states...

Just wondering whether it will be the keynesian or classical model that holds true --> keynesian model states that there can be short run equilibriums due to price rigidity, which are actually in a way, a disequilibrium, and the simple classical model states that price is fully flexible, so we always go to a long run equilibrium rapidly....

Which will it be? Classical or Keynesian?

What I didn't do...

Recap:

10th April, Sunday
Went to church, then to tuition x2. Had a 4 hour A maths/E maths session since chun yuan also wanted A maths tuition this time instead of english tuition. Talk about maths overload... Anyway, went home for dinner, then did some mopping... then she miss called me. I called her back, she didn't reply. I sms her, she also never reply. What was I supposed to do? She finally called, and throughout the 6 mins on the phone, she didn't utter a single word, after which she hung up the phone on me. I thought it's cause GW called her and made her angry or something. I called and called, and finally she picked up the phone, telling me she'll call me back later as she was speaking to jing. 3 hours later, she called me back. I was pissed. What does she treat me as? Is everything else more impt? Do you keep the one you claim you love waiting for 3 hours before speaking to him? Goodness...

I found out why soon enough. Earlier, she was waiting at TBP for me. The best part is that she never told me! -_"- She expected me to call and ask her what she was doing. I mean, come on... I only finished tuition at 7:40pm, reached home at 8:00pm after which I immediately proceeded to eat my dinner... by then it was already 8:40pm, then I went to mop the place... I'm busy! I thought she was too, which is pretty normal since every sat sun, she is very the busy... Was waiting till after 10pm or so, when all her activities would probably end, to call her up... Apparently, she waited from afternoon to 9:30pm when she called me, at tbp plaza for me to call her... girls... I know she wants to feel a little loved... but this isn't the way to do it... expecting something from someone when the someone doesn't even know you are expecting it... you could say it's my fault too la... can't just blame her... if i smsed her earlier, then no problem... but i dun wan to sms her just to realise she is with sherning or someone else, and just hurt myself...

life...

So she threw her temper at me, and i at her, since i wasn't in a good mood anyway after waiting 3 hours... and it ended up with me calling her, and she constantly hanging up the phone on me.... till she switched off her mobile. I called her again when she switched it on, when she finally picked up telling me not to call anymore... "Fine, I won't call again" was wat i smsed her... I really intended not to call her forever more at that point of time.... but haha... so much for resolve

11th April, Mon

Smsed her in the morning... She was feeling better already... talked to her on the phone when I came back from school.... which was pretty uneventful, considering I was having a severe case of running nose, and I couldn't be bothered with anything at all.... Meeting her on the 12th...

Another Poem

Paying You Back -- By -Emptiness-

Why do you seem,
So distant and far?
With just your words,
My spirit you scar.

Why do you seem,
So angry and cold?
With just your eyes,
I don’t have to be told.

What have I done,
Or is it what I have said?
A careless word,
That you now leave me for dead?

What have I said,
Or is it what I have done?
A thoughtless act,
That my concern you now shun?

Tell me please,
Don’t leave me alone.
Give me a chance
For my sins, atone.

For this pain,
Is too much for me.
Help me up,
Else just let me be.

But still I wonder,
Why am I so cursed.
I’m in a desert,
Dying from thirst.

What have I done?
Was it my previous life?
Did I torment you?
Were you then my wife?

But I know for a fact,
That this pain will eventually fade.
And all I owe you,
Will finally, in full, be paid.

I recall...

I recall the days,
When she'd ask me not to go.
And the windy nights,
When she'd ask me to hold her close.

I recall her smile,
When she held on to my arms,
And her longing eyes,
When she knew I had to go.

I recall her voice,
When we whispered on the phone.
And her quiet breaths,
When she finally fell asleep.

But now I see,
That we're drifting apart.
When was the last,
When I felt that she needed me?

Now during the days,
She wants to go back home alone.
And for many nights,
She wants to go to sleep alone.

Now during her smile,
I can sense it isn't from her heart.
And in her darting eyes,
I can see her mind's wondering somewhere else.

Now during her speech,
I can feel a sense of irritation.
And through her breaths,
I know she's not exactly at ease.

What happened to us?
Where was the feeling I felt before?
What was the change?
I have no clue, someone tell me please.


On wed, couldn't help myself but get back together with her again after I met her to pass her some stuff... I'm like a fish in a net... trapped... trapped nevermind... now i'm setting my goals on being less possessive over her... cause its the possessiveness that is causing me to feel painful all the time...

But now, I see that the way she is treating me is getting different... So different from last time... I don't know why but I just thought about the past, and how we were then... so very different... what happened?

I don't know... I really don't...

By Her....

人活一生不容易，
想想应该多珍惜。
有缘千里来相遇，
如有知己要珍惜。

伤心事情不要提，
开心时候好珍惜。
要把快乐放第一，
生活才会笑咪咪。

Failed

47 hours.....

Failed...

She missed called and I just couldn't take it anymore.... So much for my resolve... Talked to her for like an hour plus... sigh.... I just can't bear to break her heart to let her think i'm ignoring her or something...

Where will this road lead us to? I've no clue....

Recap of Events...

Hmm.... for completeness sake, I've gotta recap the events that happen.... so I'll just throw something that I wrote, which I originally intended to give to her... wrote this in my most painful period... so it will sound very strong... Perhaps a little too strong... For reference purposes, this was written on 1st of April...


Brennie, this is the last time I’ll talk to you, so just listen to me for a while. Firstly, I want to say that I hate you. Hate you for causing me all the pain I have felt ever since I met you. Before meeting you, I’ve never experienced such pain. I’ve never thought that love could be this painful. Now I know. I don’t know how I even walked into this trap. I’ve always believed that in love, there can only be one. There must never be a third party. What kind of love is that? That is another one of the reasons why I never ever let myself like someone who has a boyfriend already. Not only are you being unethical, you are destroying other people’s happiness. Isn’t it too selfish?

However, don’t ask me how in the world this situation happened. On V’day, with eyes wide open, I walked into this very thing I felt so strongly against. Why? Because I loved you, and couldn’t bear to see you in pain. Why? Because I knew that if I said I’ll go, you’d cry. Maybe not there and then, but at home, when you are by yourself, feeling empty, in the middle of the night, when no one else is around. Just the thought of that made me walk into this bottomless abyss of pain. If I had known then, I wouldn’t even have allowed myself to see you on V’day, much less agree with you to stay by your side.

On tues, we talked on the phone, and maybe u realize it, maybe you don’t, but you really hurt me with your words. On wed, we had lunch, with xuan and cerise, and the atmosphere was so tense and cold, and we managed to become so distant and far. My heart was so very painful, but when I looked back after you left, I realized that it is for our good. This is the perfect way to break. But still, I really wanted to be by your side. Did you know that after my lect, I went to the forum to see if I could see you discussing your cs proj? I just wanted to see you from afar, even if I don’t talk to you. That’s how deep I’m into this thing we share. Even the long poem sms I sent you. The starting part, I wanted to just explain what happened on tues, why I’m so hurt and angry. But the later part, I just can’t help it… I just had to say what I truly feel… so of course, I started to use strong words.

I decided then, that I was not going to call you again. I wanted to tell myself not to talk to you again, but I know that it is just not possible… If you call or anything, I’ll surely pick up the phone… I know that my resolve isn’t that great. That’s why I didn’t call, nor sms you from then on. I was hoping that this cold war would last forever till I no longer felt anything for you. But in the night you smsed… I knew that I had to be hurtful, in order so that you’ll be angry at me, at the cold war would continue, hence the smses that I sent… Then you called, and spoke to me about the stuff you did… and thank me and what not. I could feel the intense pain you were going through. That’s not what I wanted. I wanted you to be angry, not painful. Cause when you are angry with someone, it is much much easier to get on with your life, and forget that person. When I’m very angry with someone, I’ll throw myself into work or something whole heartedly… However when I am hurt and in pain, I’ll walk around senselessly, aimlessly, and waste my life away… That’s why I wanted you to hate me. If you don’t hate me, then I at least had to do my best to make sure you don’t walk around senselessly and wallow in your pain. When you hung up the phone, I knew that you were going to do so, hence I tried to call you back, but you hung up the phone.

I decided to go to school early the next day to make sure that you got on with your life and forget about me. Hence I went to AS7 to see if you went to class… As it went, indeed you were wallowing at home… Hence, I decided to go to your house and comfort you at help you get on your feet… I don’t want this to affect your studies, and I really can’t bear to see you in pain. Who would have guessed that instead of making you go to school and get on with your life, what I did made you so angry as you parents quarreled. Though it really hurt me to see you so angry with me, I forced myself not to explain it to you by calling or smsing you. I decided to just keep my mouth shut, be misunderstood and hated by you. That way, you’ll be angry at me, and I would find it so much easier to break as you are not in pain or hurt, but instead filled with anger.

When you told me you wanted to meet me after cs tut, I was very hesitant to agree to meet you. I knew that there was a very high chance that we’ll get back together as my resolve to be misunderstood and hated by you, and as a result break totally, would melt very quickly… But then what you’re mother told me in the morning came into my mind at that time. Just be friends, she said. And I asked myself, if I just treated you as a friend, what would I do? I’ll surely meet my friend if I got the time and my friend requested me to meet her. That’s why in the end I smsed you to meet at cafeteria.

When I saw you so angry at me, I actually heaved a sigh of relief inside. It’s good. This way, we’ll break very easily, with less pain. I actually wanted to meet you just for a while, so that I can quickly run off and not falter in my decision. That’s why cafeteria. Then you said you wanted to go Great world. I was thinking, “ok, then along the way there in the bus talk about it, then once over, I get off the bus and go home”. But who could have guessed, the mood changed, and we got back again. I hate it when we have such a good time together… It really makes me cannot bear to leave…

Then came your lost handphone. To see you like that, you don’t know how much my heart was aching, as if the one who lost the handphone was not you, but me. Suddenly you turned so cold and wanted to go home. But what could I do? I just had to leave you alone to run to your little corner and cry. I didn’t want to make you angry then… I told myself that I’ll call you in the night, to make sure you sleep and not think about it…

Then at night, I realized that there was a big problem. I can’t call your handphone anymore.. I had to call your home. And what if your mother or father picked up the phone and asked who is calling? Won’t they start another huge quarrel if they knew it was me again? Hence, I called for 3-4 rings then hung up… Usually you pick up the phone pretty fast in the night, from what I remembered. For all I know, you might have just cried yourself to sleep already, considering how little sleep you got the previous night. In that case, if I were not to hang up, your parents will surely pick up the phone and start quarreling later again… So I put on my earpiece , set my phone to ringing, and waited for your call… I was hoping you’d call me instead… you never did…

So today morning, I decided to go to school in the morning to meet you after your test. And the entire 2 hours we were together, you were just throwing your temper. I knew that it can’t be helped since you lost your phone, and you are really moody about it. I try to make you happy, to make you laugh, but still you keep on going back to the moody mood… so much that I myself at 11:45 also became very moody… offered to wait for you at library then go buy handphone so that you’ll be less moody, and you just brushed me off, saying that you wanted to go home. Its not only what you said, but the tone you said it in. As if you can’t be bothered what I did. This kind of tone, is the type that you’ll not use on ordinary friends. Ya… Anyway, so I got pissed to, and told you I go off liao. Went to kent ridge terminal, then thought to myself… I can’t be like that… you are not in a good mood… I have to be more tolerant… I go back, wait for you, accompany you home, maybe can make you feel better… I got stuff at home to do, but told myself, nevermind… I can always do later… you are more important… Even if it means not doing anything constructive at all today… Cause I know in your heart what you want.

Who could have guessed, that when you came out, you were going to meet sherning. You didn’t tell me, even when I offered to go with you to buy handphone… you just said you were going to class 12-1 or going to skip class altogether. When I walked off after he came, I guess this pain you’d never know, since you never experienced such pain before… To see the one you love in the arms of another. I keep on feeling this pain, day after day, ever since I told you that day in the night that the person I liked was you. Why did you have to bring me up again yesterday, just to make me fall again today? Did you have to meet him today? No… your family was not involved… you could have told him you wanted to study in school, or was going back early or something… but you still met him…

I hate you. I don’t want to say I love you. I don’t want to say how I miss you. I don’t want to say how much I love it when you smile. I don’t want to say how much joy you bring to me just when I’m with you. I just want to say I hate you. And I seriously hope you’ll hate me too.. Hence, from now on, I’ll ignore all your smses and calls. I’ll not see you in school anymore. I’ll not sit with you during social work lecture. I don’t even think I’ll be going for that lecture as I might accidentally bump into you. If I see you, my resolve will falter again, and this whole process will repeat itself. I’ve got to disagree with what your mother said… I can’t treat you just as a friend… It’s too difficult… Gotta break with you totally first… maybe that would mean never see you again… but what the hack… During the cold war, though I felt empty, though I felt pain, I managed to put my mind off you, and engross myself in my work, so that I won’t think of you. I know it is painful, but it has to be done. Even peixuaN told me the same thing when I told her about my situation. She said, chang2 tong4 bu4 ru2 duan3 tong4…. And that in the end, the only person that will get hurt is me… cause you have sherning… She told me that it is only logical to break… but I told her that it is just too difficult… that I can’t do it. That I have tried many times and failed. I look back at it and realize why I keep on failing. It’s cause I talk to you, or meet you, that I keep on failing. So, this time, I’ll just ignore all your calls… that way, I won’t be affected when you use your ‘jue zao’… The thing you do that make me not think logically anymore, to just want to run to help you up….

Since I’m not going to meet you again, I guess it’s ok for me to tell you what it is…. The one thing I can’t bear to see you do, is to see you cry. When you cry… I’d be willing to do anything. Anyway, wouldn’t matter since I’m not going to talk to you anymore. Of course, I can’t say never… since we might just accidentally bump into each other. There’s only two situations where I might talk to you… If you decided to break off with sherning, or if my feelings die for you completely. I think just cancel the second one… I don’t think it will ever die completely… if I meet you again, it might just stir it up again… not good… so just remember that if you finally decided that sherning is not the one, sms me… seeing you in his arms is just too much for me to take…

Maybe you’d ask why he can bear it, why I can’t. I guess its just our different characters. Like why he goes to your house without consent countless times even if it means making you angry, and why up till date, I’ve done so only once.

Break...

21 hours have passed...

It's official... Told her yesterday at 2pm (1st April)... She had a quarrel with sherning, and I almost didn't have the strength to tell her. But in the end, still did it... Without talking to her, it seems so easy to break with her... or so much easier... But once I hear her voice, and can feel her heart, it becomes so much so much harder.... She called up twice at around 2-3pm and basically went nutz... screaming that she doesn't need me and stuff.... It really pains my heart to see her like that... to know that i'm the cause of it all... but it really is necessary... I cannot take it anymore... I've been bearing with this constant torment for the past 3 months... If you consider the time i started liking her, it makes it more like 5 months or 6 months of torment already... It has to end.... this pain.... it's too much...

I called her up to try and calm her down... In the end, managed to... had a calm talk with her on the phone.... but it was very cold.... it is necessary I guess... though really really painful... I really don't want to leave her... I want to hold her in my arms... I want to run my fingers through her hair... I really miss her... Life seems so empty without her... I'm thinking of her all the time....

I forgot what we said, but in the end, said bye to her, and she put down the phone -- she said it's time for her to end the call... I just wanted to make sure that she is alright... Didn't want it to be too hard on her... I know how she feels... damn.... I know it really hurts....

Spent the rest of the day trying to get my mind off her... Doing all sorts of nonsense, from copying poetry, to playing computer games, to watching senseless tv shows, to attempting to do some sorta school work... but throughout, my mind is always wandering to her.... It is so so painful... That's why this time I cannot falter... This process has repeated itself sufficient times... Make this time a clean cut... it will be better for her and me... cause if we don't do this now, we'll have to do it again some other time, and the pain that we have gone through up till now, the few hours, will be all in vain... so I cannot cannot call her...

In the night, at 2 or issit 3 am (2nd April), she missed called me.... I knew I shouldn't reply.... I really know.... But I just couldn't help it.... I called her back, she hung up... I called again, and again, till she finally picked up... had a short talk, told her to go and sleep.... put down the phone... I just felt that something wasn't right... and called her again.... till she picked up... and she asked me whether I heard the song she was playing in the background.... she recited part of the lyrics to me... "you3 yuan2 wu2 fen4".... I know.... That's exactly how I feel.... Why must sherning come into the picture? Sigh... Fate I guess... Fate has a funny way of tormenting us all....

Anyway, I have a very strong feeling that by me leaving her, she'll get together with sherning quite well... cause in a person's lowest moment, that is the best time, and the most effective time, to get close to the person.... now is the time when she can teach her heart how to rely on sherning.... and as a result, start to love him... I might never have a chance with her again... ya.... that's a fact of which I know too well.... but what can I do? It's something that has just got to be done...

I miss her....