Exactly what I feel now...

Fated Never To Be -- by -Emptiness-

I’ve closed my heart,
And bolted it tight.
No more will I,
In any confide.

For I have met,
The one who’d be,
The girl who’d make,
Me laugh in glee.

Simple and kind,
Thoughtful and sweet.
Someone like her,
No more I’ll meet.

But like some omen,
That foretold our fate,
She was born,
Just one day late.

Destined were we,
To only be friends.
This bond we share,
We’ll never transcend.

Like strangers who both,
Were absorbed in thought.
She brushed past me,
As we briskly walked.

Fated to come,
So close to me.
She’s my soul mate,
That can never be.


I've decided that I better close my heart right now. I mean, I seriously don't think that I'll meet someone else like her. In my entire life, I can't point out anyone that I know, who is even a bit like her. Its like finding a needle in a haystack, or as the chinese put it, trying to fish out a needle from the bottom of the ocean. And furthermore, from her story she told me about what happened between her bf and her, I suddenly came to realise how few people actually will stand by you in times of trouble, as I written in the other poem that I'll post below. She the only one up till date that I heard of that stood by her bf even in his toughest times, even though he dealt her a serious blow. A lot of other relationships I know of broke up for much lesser reasons, such as the guy had a pay cut, or the 'feeling just wasn't there anymore', and other stupid reasons.

And it just dawned upon me, that while the chances of finding one who has a same personality as her is already so slim, the chances of finding a person who actually cares and loves you despite of the situation you are in, however horrible, is even slimmer. Most probably, whoever I find out there will not be like that, and if so, there isn't any meaning in having such a relationship. So basically, there's simply no point left in finding anyone... Its like betting on horses at the turf club. Just that there are like a few hundred to choose from, and only a handful are the right ones... In the face of such disadvantageous odds, why not just keep my money and not bet on any one of them at all? That sounds like a much wiser decision....

Disillusioned...

Anyway, as promised, the other poem:
(its based on her story, but I changed it here and there, and now its about a faithful dog)


A True Friend. -- by -Emptiness-

Once, I had,
A friend so true.
Who stood by me,
Through all the blues.

But then, I was,
Naive and young,
And treated him,
Much worse than dung.

In need, I’ll call,
Else I’d ignore –
I didn’t treasure,
What was before.

Then came that day,
Another I saw.
Cast him away,
Out of the door.

I played and laughed,
Without remorse.
While he endured,
Winter’s full force.

Hungry and cold,
He roamed the streets,
Trying his best,
To make ends meet.

Who could’ve foreseen,
What was to come.
To that same fate,
Did I succumb.

My wealth I lost,
To those I trusted.
I pled for help,
But my friends scattered.

In debt, alone,
Without a hope,
Wanting to end
All with a rope.

But just when none,
Would heed my plea,
He took my hand,
And walked with me.

He wagged his tail,
And danced like a clown.
He cheered me on,
When I was down.

He gave me strength,
To stand again.
And gave his all,
Without complaint.

To him I owe,
All that I’m now.
A faithful friend,
My shepherd hound.

Release, finally....

Before 11:00pm yesterday, 22nd Jan...

----------------------------------------------------------
The girl I like,
Has put a pike,
Thru my heart,
Tearing it apart.
----------------------------------------------------------
This numbing loneliness,
When will it go on till?
Waiting for her to call,
Knowing she never will.
----------------------------------------------------------
I laugh, when she speaks,
Her simplicity draws me close.
And cry, when she weeps.
Her fragile heart who else knows?

But I’m just a friend,
Fated never to be any more.
A means to an end,
To be used, then thrown like a whore.

But what can I do?
Like a puppy I heed her call.
But even pups need love too,
Some care and concern, however small.
----------------------------------------------------------

After 11:00pm yesterday, 22nd Jan...

----------------------------------------------------------
Though I cannot,
Be by her side,
I’m so glad,
She’s now alright.

Thought at first,
That I could be,
But now I know,
That there is he.

Doesn’t matter,
That he’s the one.
As long as she’s happy --
That’s all I want.
----------------------------------------------------------

What happened at 11:00pm that caused this change?

I had the longest chat I ever had with pearl, up till date. A whopping 4 hours... yeow.... Talk about long chats... And we talked about everything.... including her boyfriend.

Now, why would I even let myself like a gal that already has a boyfriend you might ask...

I thought it was over between them already. He punched her. Erm.... That's pretty serious... And I knew she was already thinking of breaking up with him... at that time, I was of the impression that she decided on it already, and so, I never really asked about her boyfriend anymore, assuming they have broken off. That's when I started to allow myself to like her. And with time, this feeling got stronger and stronger.... till what it is today.

When she told me her story about how they got back together, I was disappointed, expectedly so, as I will never go after a person who is already attached, and at the same time, I was glad for her, at the same time, in admiration of her.

Glad for her, I'm sure everyone will know. Cause she's happy now, and that's what is the most important. If you truly like someone, as long as that person is happy, you'd feel happy for that person too...

But why in admiration? This incident showed her character a lot. Despite of being abused by her boyfriend, and her boyfriend being in a horrendous state at that time (financially, emotionally, basically every possible trouble), though she was tempted to leave him, she decided to help him along to make him stand on his two feet... Even for me, who find myself quite helpful as a person, willing to help those in need, I'm not sure at all whether I'd do the same if I were in her position. Ok, maybe there's the emotional bond between the two of them to start off with, but even so, after such a great hurt, and seeing someone in his lowest, most horrendous state, she is still willing to accompany him through thick and thin, this I really admire.... Speaks a lot of the person... Most people in this case would just break up with their boyfriend over much lesser issues, much less such a big issue, including the emotional hurt from such a physical assult (especially since she is a pampered child since young, and never experienced such violence). I'm really touched by her, and just wish both of them the best of luck, from the bottom of my heart. Because of her, obviously, not because of him... He had better treat her much better now that he has recovered from this low of his. If he is like the imperial scholar who abandons his village wife when he attains power and wealth, marrying the emperor's daughter, then he really deserves the worse possible fate....

Once again, to pearl and her boyfriend,

Best of luck, and may you two find happiness in the midst of all the troubles in this world!

Shattered, a poem...

Shattered -- by -Emptiness-

My heart you beguiled,
With your smile and laughter,
And then you shattered,
Just like a porcelain platter.

The phone you hang up,
‘Friend just called’, as always.
Like a toy thrown aside,
Is this how I’m to pass my days?

Never had I known,
That I was such a bore.
Talking on the phone,
Is it really such a chore?

Or do you just hate me,
And can’t wait to tear me apart?
Here lays my joy and glee,
Shattered like my broken heart.


Note: Composed yesterday, or I should say today morning. This is what I kinda felt when pearl told me her friend called her, and said she'll call me back tomolo.... erm.... nothing heard out....

photocopying

I kinda got a feeling that I'm fated to be depressed throughout my life siah... Today, met pearl to photostat stuff, and just doing that, I really enjoyed =) Depends on who you are doing whatever you do with that matters.... But still, after that, I kinda feel, right now, a little down... Cause I know that she doesn't feel for me, the way I do for her...

*sigh*....

life.... just a road to nowhere....

Why do we even bother to walk it?

My thoughts, in poem form...

Keys to My Heart -- by -Emptiness-

My heart I locked,
Or so I thought.
But without a knock,
She entered my fort.

A stealthy thief,
Concealed by night,
She slipped inside,
And stole my light.

The treasure I hid,
That I've yet to impart,
The chart thru the unknown,
The keys to my heart.

A long chat....

Hmm.... had a long long chat with pearl on the phone today... 2hrs and 54min and 42sec... I think that's the longest I've ever talked to anyone on the phone up till date.... wow.... Initially called her to settle some tutorial placements for the upcoming bidding, but in the end, nothing was settled, and ended up talking about everything but it.... Don't ask me what we talked about, there were just too many, from her maid, to the poem i wrote for her.... I think the last record was also with her, but not so long bah.... maybe 1hr 30min? this is basically twice the duration! I never talk much on the phone one.... more in real life.... so don't ask me how this happened... haha.... hmm... the next closest to her would be px, i think 1 hr, and yx, i think 30min or so.... no one else even comes close to this duration..... wahhaaa.....

What do I want?

I'm not satisfied....

I really am not....

What exactly do I want? I've waited to see her today, and see her I did, had 2 lectures with her, but I'm not satisfied... I guess its cause there were other people..... like her friend.... Or issit due to the fact that she doesn't show me any more than friend type of concern.... *sigh* Now i've to wait for one whole week more.... unless I jio her out.... hmm.... should I? I think so..... wahhhaaaa..... maybe comin monday, when she doesn't have any lessons.... but I do.... damn.... tuesday then.... both of us are free..... damn.... the pain I have due to her.... without her playing any part in it.... its just a game I'm playing with my own heart..... my desires, my wants, my yearnings..... damn it!

Sigh.... if only this feeling could go away.... go away! This torment..... arghhh.....

-Emptiness-, this feeling.....

I wish I could just hide away.....

Forbidden...

In great anticipation, I await tomorrow. Wednesday. I'll be sharing two lectures with pearl =) Happy happy. But I really should kill of this feeling I have for her. Just be friends, its good enough. Then if anything else happens, so be it. Cause if I don't do so, the only one who will suffer is me.... And that sux. Period. *sigh*. But its so hard to do! Killing off such an attraction to someone you really like, not due to looks but due to personality is not as easy as I thought.... Goodness.. I'm kinda thinking about her every day... This sux! HELP! There must be some way. I pray that there is some way. Can't be that i'm the only person going through this right? Someone out there must have experienced a similar situation, and managed to kill off this liking, and just be friends... I mean, how many billion of people are there in the world again? 6? 7? That's a lot of people ya know....

Anyway, another poem I wrote regarding this.....


Forbidden Love -- by -Emptiness-

Like a crimson apple,
She mesmerizes me.
But just like the fable,
Lethal poison she be.

This draw I can’t explain,
Be friends I’m not content.
I know it’ll lead to pain,
And heartbreak in the end.

Though still I yearn to touch,
And hold her in my arms.
I love her just too much,
To let her come to harm.

Those that know my plight agree,
This pain I don’t deserve.
Why then does fate torment me,
With this forbidden love?

Damn!

I just realised that under my profile, people can see the blogs I write! argh! That means someone I know might just have stumbled on this site of mine..... arghhh!!!! So much for a secret diary..... Anyone, if you're reading this and you know me, OWN UP!!! or may u rot in hell forever! ok lah, not that bad, just wish u bad luck for the rest of ur lifetime unless u own up..... I dun want to change my address.... Not too nice to have someone reading ur personal diary eh.... damn.... if only I knew earlier.... I guess its 缘分 anyway that caused this..... shit.... But that's not an excuse for u to continue reading it! leave a comment if u have the decency k (for people that actually know me in real life)?

A little outing....

hmmm.... lemme see how my day was.....

Today my day was spent trying to help pearl with her bidding stuff.... she got lots of problems with trying to get her mods.... never knew that people had so much trouble with cors bidding till I helped her.... Perhaps its cause she got lots of requirements.... 3 day week, preferably no exam or tutorials.... and must be very unpopular so that she can get it for a low bid point.... hmmm... apparently, such a combination doesn't exist.... I wonder why....

Anyway, after deliberating for more than 2 hours, surfing the cors webbie until it kicked me out, I sure cause someone at NUS got pissed at me hogging the bandwidth there, we accomplished nothing whatsoever... haha.... didn't even bid for a module.... so much for constructive use of time... 2 hours ++ but 0 results....

After it all, I jioed her to watch movie, but 1 hour wasn't enough for her to get ready and get to the mrt station.... hmmm..... for me it just takes me 20min inclusive of walking time... I guess that's the diff between guys and gals...

So in the end, we just went to drink kopi... I had to, considering I got rather pissed while waiting for her.... supposed to be 5:30 meet at mrt, then she smsed to tell she'll be late -- 5:45, then at 5:45, she smsed again, saying she'll be even later.... wow.... So I just sat there at the mrt station, watching train after train go by, knowing that after meeting me she has to rush off to go attend her friend's wedding dinner... I guess that watching the trains pressed in the fact that i'll have less and less time with her, and that caused me to feel very sian.... That she could be so late showed where I was in her heart, and that didn't help much... The thing that really really pissed me off though was the fact that I called her and told her to meet me at the front train of the MRT, and call me when she reach my station.... I was thinking... how hard could it be to know which is the front train?

So I just sat there, feeling more and more sian and pissed, and then a train arrived, and when its doors were closing, I received a message.... "I'm there liao".... that just did it for me (the main reason why I was so angry too).... I was thinking.... WTH, I just told her to call me when she reach the station, and she couldn't even be bothered to call, just sms to save money... There is a freaking reason why I asked her to call instead of sms.... Now the freaking train has just closed the doors, and she's inside.... wtf.... I was thinking.... screw her, just go home liao.... So I called her to 'gan' her... at that point I could be bothered whether or not I liked her at all.... I was so pissed at her.... The first thing she said on the phone was that she saw me liao..... so that means she got of the train.... that's one less thing to be pissed about.... So I just sat down and waited for her to come... (It took me a while to realise that it is quite hard for her to know where the front it... cause she took the train from TBP, which is an underground station. Furthermore, the train was so crowded that she couldn't have moved to the front while in the train)

This time, even her cheery nature didn't help much to placate my pissy mood.... Only time could do it, and a cup of kopi in a nice place.... so went to drink kopi at delifrance... ah.... relaxation.... finally.... and the pissy mood disappeared... So while sipping my cappo, I passed her the present... (I'm quite amazed I still did that.... after all I've been through, but this is the reason why I'm meeting her in the first place)... Hard as she tried to guess, she couldn't guess what was inside.... haha... obviously.... how would she know I draw? impossible.... so she was stunned when she saw it.... =) though she did complain that her lips and nose were not accurate (they are, from the pic), she liked it i'm sure.... And that was when I knew that her 1st bf actually drew her b4.... *pengz* if i knew that i wouldn't have drawn her liao.... anyway.... showed her my other drawings too.... haha... including the richard gere one... though i still think it looks like harrison ford.... i'm the only one who things that way apparently....

Next was the card... she liked the card itself... of course she would, since I already know she likes stuff with lots of wording.... more than those with just picture... And she was once again surprised at the poem I had inside.... though I should have written it in chinese... She doesn't understand the english poem The Search (blind)... And she asked me to explain it to her.... *pengz* how could I possibly explain it to her? It was meant as a hint.... goodness.... so I just told her that everyone had their own interpretation of poems, and that's the good part about poetry... Explained to her the meaning of those more 'difficult' words though....

Anyway, she had to go off after that le... so back home I went too...

But there's one thing I still can't do... and that is to look solely at her when I'm with her.... don't feel too comfortable with that yet... cause I don't ever do that.... not with friends or anyone... wonder if that has an effect on her.... Looking elsewhere when I'm not at that point talking to her.... I muz make it a point not to do this anymore.... bad habit....

Wow.....

In a rare instance of courtesy, she managed to reply me like 20mins after I sent her an sms asking her whehter she would be free anytime this comin two days so that we can meet up.... Its absolutely amazing.... I called her at first, knowing that she wouldn't reply to smses so quickly, but as usual, a miss call... so I had no choice but to msg her, expecting a reply like tomorrow.... but she surprised me once again....

But who knows... maybe she'll become uncontactable tomorrow when I call her to arrange the details.... Then the gift will be stuck in my cupboard, all properly wrapped up.... It becomes especially irritating knowing that its already like more than a week past christmas, and that I spent such a long time to make it, but it still hasn't been given yet.... sigh.... and i've been deliberating over this past few days whether I even should be giving her the present... You know the feeling when u put so much effort inside, but the other party just can't be bothered? Ya... that's how I feel many a times... so much so that I'm beginning to chuck her at the back of my mind, thankfully, helping me to experience less pain....

Cause everytime I think of her, I easily spiral into deep, gloomy thoughts, knowing I like someone, but the person doesn't like me, or doesn't treat me even as a friend, or something else I can't think of... Cause she really defies my logic... I can't understand her, hard as I try...


The Dark Side of the Moon by -Emptiness-
(Repost, from my other blog)

A person’s heart, I’d never know.
Its doors are shut, with screws and nails.
Just like the moon, which doesn’t show,
Part of itself, through Darkness’ veils.

Even the part, which I can see,
Deceives always, the wise of men.
What more the side, that I can’t see,
Hidden even, to best of friends?

The dismal side, of lonely hearts,
A place where joy, in haste departs
A world that’s filled, with only gloom.
The cold and dark, side of the moon.

Givin' up....

The passing feeling.....
The fading hurts....
Its all departing.....
The old reverts....

I'm being bothered less by her lack of concern already.... I mean, who else do I know of who smses replies back after like a whole day, and doesn't reply miss calls? Even friends don't do such.... There is a big difference between being nice on the facade, and being nice inside.... I don't care about the fluff.... what I want is the inside.... the person behind the mask....

Care I the decorated smses or msgs I get from her? No.... Decorations and cutesie messages just mislead others, hiding the real person behind a wall, opaque and impermeable to all... In fact, I hate it.... I rather people be themselves... at least I know who I am dealing with, adn the true nature of the person.... Apparently, once again I was deceived..... I really am a person who can't read people well I see.... But even up to this moment, she confuses me.... When I actually manage to talk to her, she seems ok, and very friendly, but her actions speak otherwise.... What is she thinking? What is her heart, hidden behind a veil of darkness? But at least, I know one thing for sure.... she is a very stuborn person.... Though it is hard to tell at first, once set on her path, she is headstrong in achieving it, regardless of reason.... (incidents include: Shop & Save guy, Cors bidding for Sem 2)....

I hope she continues like that, or proves to me soon that she is otherwise.... not in between or something, so that my liking for her can either die out fast, or I can find it easier to get closer to her.... either one is fine for me.... Lemme revert to who I was! To my initial emotions!!!! SET ME FREE PLEASE!!!!! Only you have the power to do so! Painful nevermind.... its ok.... just a short pain.... far better than this constant numbing pain I am experiencing now....