绝

She claims its her fault, that she was childish and stupid... I don't care!!! I don't care if its her fault, or my fault!!! I know she felt that I kinda like abandoned her at that point of time, when she was doing that thing... I never wanted to! I didn't realise! I'm stupid! I want her to throw a tantrum, to scold me, to beat me! But she didn't...

Instead, she acted as if everything is normal, and insisted on going home. She didn't talk to me, she didn't look at me... while I held her, she didn't respond...

Cold Turkey Treatment...

I call her on the phone in the night, after sending her back, made the issue sound like its an 'of course' or 'expected' thing, that she can take it, that it doesn't affect her... I know it does.... Its just like she slammed shut the door to her heart, and I'm outside desperately trying to get in... I smsed her in the night, no reply... I called her in the morning, she sounded the same as yesterday night...

Just because I did something stupid yesterday, in a moment of folly, she has been tormenting me ever since... from yesterday night, all the way till right now... Can someone, who's innate nature is rather caring, gentle and thoughtful, become so 绝 just because of experiences with her ex boyfriend? Can it? In fact, when I called her in the morning, she was still able to go and study... If I were in her shoes, I don't think I'd be able to study anymore... Too affected... But she still can!!! Do I even matter to her anymore? Do I? What am I to her? To be used and thrown like a whore?

Even the dream I had just before I woke up showed it all... I dreamt that she basically locked me out from her heart.... She was crying or something, and I kept on asking her what it is she is so hurt by.... But she doesn't want to tell me... She didn't look at me, didn't talk to me, didn't respond when I held her... Same as in real life.... The only difference was that the location was at my house this time... But what's the diff? Its the same thing...


Just a Friend -- By -Emptiness-

I laugh when she speaks,
Her simple nature draws me close.
And cry when she weeps,
Her fragile heart who else knows?

But I'm just a friend,
Fated never to be anymore.
A means to an end,
To be used, then thrown like a whore.

But what can I do?
Like a puppy I heed her call.
But even pups need love too,
Some care and concern, however small.