Gotta accept me as I am
8-10th March 2005
Really really stormy time for me... She came back from Genting, and was like suddenly so distant from me... due to this religion thing... throwing her temper and scolding me, crying hysterically and etc etc... So much so that I could not bare to see her in such pain that I decided to throw logic out of the window, and just follow her based solely on impulse... I knew that if I even thought about it, I would decide otherwise, so the only way was to do it on impulse... Really couldn't bare to see her in such hurt.... so on tues night (8th March), I just went to stay with my mum, deciding that what the hack, just do it... Choose her, and throw my logic out the window... Had a long chat with her, or should I say spent a long time bearing with her scolding, crying and pmsing.... But what can I do? Often, I feel helpless, as I can't help but want to make her happy... My dad, and those who I am staying with were all like wondering "WTF", what in the world is this guy doing? Why suddenly stay overnight with his mum? In fact, I didn't even intend to come back.... -_"-
But, on wed, after spending an entire day with her, I realised something. While walking with her to the bus stop from business school, though I held her hand, there was like some sort of barrier between us... It was very cold.... very distant... At this moment, I suddenly realised that this is how married couples felt, or at least, those who are married for some time already... I've known some of them, and have always wondered how come there can be marital problems, if they loved each other so much... At this point, I realised, or should I say, I think I felt how they feel....
Is it worth it to give up God, and everything I hold dear, for this? Is it? Furthermore, people's feelings change... what if 6 years from now, she finds someone else that she really likes too, and goes with him instead? It's not as if I'm damn rich or something... Then, I would be left with absolutely nothing.... And even if this is not the case, my very act of doing such a thing would make me expect a lot more from her.... The more you sacrifice, the more you expect in return... it's something that no one can change.... Everyone is the same in this aspect.... those that say no, are just lying.... I mean, there is a reason why love easily changes to hate right? This is it folks... THE reason... And I've no intention to hate her.... nope.... not one bit... Just wanna see her happy.... so that means I cannot put too much expectations on her.... Anyway, putting too much expectations on her would change my basic personality, and the way I talk / do things with her... she'll feel very stressed...
Though I already saw this, on thursday, I still did not want to listen to logic... I tried to use logic to prove that I should be with her.... Spent all my free time the entire day, trying to plan out how my life would be if I went with her.... And the picture wasn't rosy at all... Even if I'm going to be a high flyer, we'd still be financially problematic.... Mainly due to her health I would say... Her health isn't exactly fantastic... and I'm statistically, there is a co-relation between parent's health and the health of the child... If this is the case, the kids that we'd have would require medical attention too.... and if its two kids, that's going to be a huge financial burden... Furthermore, she would most probably stay home and take care of the kids, firstly, cause she wouldn't be able to work, constantly thinking, worrying about the kids... Secondly, I don't exactly feel safe for her to work, since she isn't exactly very street smart, or gifted in the IQ department...
Anyway, had a long chat with her over the phone too... She was really angy at me that I didn't call her in the morning.... and only smsed her at around 11am after my tutorial... There were two reasons.... One is that she needed sufficient sleep, cause she was going to visit her niece and nephew who were down with Hand Foot and Mouth Disease, and needed to have a strong immune system... The second, is that I was so preoccupied with trying to convince myself that going with her is the right choice, I had no strength to talk to her.... I needed all my effort to try and convince myself... Cause, in my heart, I already knew the answer to this choice that I have to make.... Just that I don't want to make this choice.... I really don't... I'm too afraid that she cannot take it... The thing that really makes my resolve break down all the time is when I see her cry, and great pain....
11th March 2005
As much as I really love her, and want to have her by my side, as my girlfriend, I've finally realised one thing -- If she cannot accept me for who I am, then I think she should just go with Sherning. When you love someone, you love the person as a whole, not just the good, nor the bad... You're willing to accept that person, and not expect the person to change just for you... I guess this is what love is... So told her in the evening, after spending the entire afternoon at Perk Point doing our Social Work Term Paper (I didn't want what I was about to say to affect her work), that this is who I am, and she has got a choice laid in front of her. She could either choose me, as who I am, or go with Sherning. Either way, I won't blame her, and would still want to have her as a close friend.
Either way, I really really do love her...
But it simply isn't healthy in a relationship to quarrel over such matters just around 4 months of being together... Its not as if we are getting married tomorrow... If we are, then if we don't quarrel, something is very wrong.... But there is still at least 6 more years to go, and during this 6 years, anything can happen.... Who would know what would happen?
Unexpectedly, she accepted it quite ok.... I was expecting something really drastic.... It never materialised... perhaps it will soon.... I think its just covered.... but what the hack.... Life's like that....
12 - 16th March
Went to her house 2 times, to do work, SW term paper... Basically, nothing much of real interest happened.... Except one thing --> Really enjoyed myself =) haha.... Spent time with her basically everyday, on the phone, in person.... On Monday, even wanted to cycle to her place in the middle of the night.... her dad was not around, and we were planning for some sort of mission impossible crazy plan.... I hide in her room.... haha.... but who was to guess.... while pumping air just before setting off for that long journey, the rear tire air came all out.... I couldn't pump air anymore, as there is no pressure in the tire to start with.... Have to get one of those normal basket ball pumps of bicycle pumps in order to fix this problem.... sigh.... So all our plans went down the drain.... -_"-... Of course, got quarrel a few times.... actually, more like I listen to her scold me, and throw her temper.... sigh....
But I really like her too much.... too too much....
Really really stormy time for me... She came back from Genting, and was like suddenly so distant from me... due to this religion thing... throwing her temper and scolding me, crying hysterically and etc etc... So much so that I could not bare to see her in such pain that I decided to throw logic out of the window, and just follow her based solely on impulse... I knew that if I even thought about it, I would decide otherwise, so the only way was to do it on impulse... Really couldn't bare to see her in such hurt.... so on tues night (8th March), I just went to stay with my mum, deciding that what the hack, just do it... Choose her, and throw my logic out the window... Had a long chat with her, or should I say spent a long time bearing with her scolding, crying and pmsing.... But what can I do? Often, I feel helpless, as I can't help but want to make her happy... My dad, and those who I am staying with were all like wondering "WTF", what in the world is this guy doing? Why suddenly stay overnight with his mum? In fact, I didn't even intend to come back.... -_"-
But, on wed, after spending an entire day with her, I realised something. While walking with her to the bus stop from business school, though I held her hand, there was like some sort of barrier between us... It was very cold.... very distant... At this moment, I suddenly realised that this is how married couples felt, or at least, those who are married for some time already... I've known some of them, and have always wondered how come there can be marital problems, if they loved each other so much... At this point, I realised, or should I say, I think I felt how they feel....
Is it worth it to give up God, and everything I hold dear, for this? Is it? Furthermore, people's feelings change... what if 6 years from now, she finds someone else that she really likes too, and goes with him instead? It's not as if I'm damn rich or something... Then, I would be left with absolutely nothing.... And even if this is not the case, my very act of doing such a thing would make me expect a lot more from her.... The more you sacrifice, the more you expect in return... it's something that no one can change.... Everyone is the same in this aspect.... those that say no, are just lying.... I mean, there is a reason why love easily changes to hate right? This is it folks... THE reason... And I've no intention to hate her.... nope.... not one bit... Just wanna see her happy.... so that means I cannot put too much expectations on her.... Anyway, putting too much expectations on her would change my basic personality, and the way I talk / do things with her... she'll feel very stressed...
Though I already saw this, on thursday, I still did not want to listen to logic... I tried to use logic to prove that I should be with her.... Spent all my free time the entire day, trying to plan out how my life would be if I went with her.... And the picture wasn't rosy at all... Even if I'm going to be a high flyer, we'd still be financially problematic.... Mainly due to her health I would say... Her health isn't exactly fantastic... and I'm statistically, there is a co-relation between parent's health and the health of the child... If this is the case, the kids that we'd have would require medical attention too.... and if its two kids, that's going to be a huge financial burden... Furthermore, she would most probably stay home and take care of the kids, firstly, cause she wouldn't be able to work, constantly thinking, worrying about the kids... Secondly, I don't exactly feel safe for her to work, since she isn't exactly very street smart, or gifted in the IQ department...
Anyway, had a long chat with her over the phone too... She was really angy at me that I didn't call her in the morning.... and only smsed her at around 11am after my tutorial... There were two reasons.... One is that she needed sufficient sleep, cause she was going to visit her niece and nephew who were down with Hand Foot and Mouth Disease, and needed to have a strong immune system... The second, is that I was so preoccupied with trying to convince myself that going with her is the right choice, I had no strength to talk to her.... I needed all my effort to try and convince myself... Cause, in my heart, I already knew the answer to this choice that I have to make.... Just that I don't want to make this choice.... I really don't... I'm too afraid that she cannot take it... The thing that really makes my resolve break down all the time is when I see her cry, and great pain....
11th March 2005
As much as I really love her, and want to have her by my side, as my girlfriend, I've finally realised one thing -- If she cannot accept me for who I am, then I think she should just go with Sherning. When you love someone, you love the person as a whole, not just the good, nor the bad... You're willing to accept that person, and not expect the person to change just for you... I guess this is what love is... So told her in the evening, after spending the entire afternoon at Perk Point doing our Social Work Term Paper (I didn't want what I was about to say to affect her work), that this is who I am, and she has got a choice laid in front of her. She could either choose me, as who I am, or go with Sherning. Either way, I won't blame her, and would still want to have her as a close friend.
Either way, I really really do love her...
But it simply isn't healthy in a relationship to quarrel over such matters just around 4 months of being together... Its not as if we are getting married tomorrow... If we are, then if we don't quarrel, something is very wrong.... But there is still at least 6 more years to go, and during this 6 years, anything can happen.... Who would know what would happen?
Unexpectedly, she accepted it quite ok.... I was expecting something really drastic.... It never materialised... perhaps it will soon.... I think its just covered.... but what the hack.... Life's like that....
12 - 16th March
Went to her house 2 times, to do work, SW term paper... Basically, nothing much of real interest happened.... Except one thing --> Really enjoyed myself =) haha.... Spent time with her basically everyday, on the phone, in person.... On Monday, even wanted to cycle to her place in the middle of the night.... her dad was not around, and we were planning for some sort of mission impossible crazy plan.... I hide in her room.... haha.... but who was to guess.... while pumping air just before setting off for that long journey, the rear tire air came all out.... I couldn't pump air anymore, as there is no pressure in the tire to start with.... Have to get one of those normal basket ball pumps of bicycle pumps in order to fix this problem.... sigh.... So all our plans went down the drain.... -_"-... Of course, got quarrel a few times.... actually, more like I listen to her scold me, and throw her temper.... sigh....
But I really like her too much.... too too much....
posted by - Emptiness - | 12:17 am
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