Flashback: Past few days...

It has been a hectic few days.... really drama for me, who have never felt this way before... Doing irrational things, having 2-3 hour max sleepless nights... Seems like i'm living in a daze, a dream world... Waking and dreaming, what's the difference? But all in all, its really interesting and enjoyable... though at the same time very painful....

Just a brief summary.... I still need my beauty sleep.... severe lack of it

My B'Day 110205
Was about with break up with Pearl, as in be cruel to the both of us, but just couldn't do it once I saw her... Really hard, or should I say impossible, to kill off feelings for someone when you know the other person feels the same way too.... But yet, the pain was killin' me already.... The pain of ambiguity... The pain of not knowing who she was going to choose... Sherning or me.... But anyway, turned out to be fine... You really can't get angry at a person you really like... As hard as you try... So illogical our emotions are... Anyway, just for completeness sake, I went with her for psychology lecture, where we were talking all the way, and then she met sherning for lunch, then came back to meet me before her tutorial. After which, we took mrt to the east together, where I went to Rowland Restaurant for dinner, while she went to her relative's place... I told her, along the way, that I insisted on a choice being made, and that I would only give her 2-3 days... or was it 1-2? Anyway, that's basically it....

Her B'Day: 120205
Went out with Pearl to pass her her gift.... "Fluffy" =) Almost wanted to give it to her the day before, but then, seeing her melted my heart, and I decided to give it to her today instead.... at first thought of canceling the meeting I had with her this day... Anyway, I met her at TBP, where Cerise apparently saw me, without me seeing her... We later went to PS, where we played piano and stuff... I gave her the card and her gift (I told myself that I'd give Fluffy to the first gal I truly liked as a B'day gift, so I had to give it to her)... Anyway, I realised that I just wanted her to be happy... so I told her in the card to take her time to choose between me and sherning, as I didn't want her to feel presurised into making any decision... Anyway, joseph and sherning came soon after, and it was a little awkward I guess. Wanted to leave before sherning came, to avoid any unhappiness, but she said would be ok.... so what the hack...
I left at arnd 4:30 to meet mum to watch "Shall we dance". No tickets for the 5:45 show, so stuck with the 8:20 or so show... Went to mum's place to play piano, watch tv, and eat, before going back to cineleisure to watch the show...
Halfway thru the show, something drastic occured... Pearl gave me a missed call, then smsed me, asking me whether I could come now... I saw that msg and was like "WTH?!? This is bad! " Rushed out immediately to call back... managed to speak with I think Chew Hong, and after some coaxing, got the address of where they were at... Rushed back, grabbed my bag, told mum I had an emergency to attend to, and rushed off, in the middle of the show... I think richard gere was getting scolded by jenifer lopez then for coming to dance just because of her... Anyway, grabbed a cab, and went down to chinatown Party world, where I hunted high and low for them.... Its such a freakin big place.... To think that at that time I was thinking, what the hell... I'd just search every single room if that's the way to find her, since her phone had no reception... Fortunately, managed to get hold of them by phone after countless tries, and met them at the main entrance... Pearl just had a major tiff with her GW, and was really kinda hysterical... Took her and brought her out to take a cab... Ended up going to TBPark where spent like dunno how long there... Really pained my heart to see her like that... but what could I do? I could only hold her close, and give her a sense of security to help her through this... I mean, I can only do so much... the rest is up to her... She called Chew Hong, then GW, and let out all her feelings... She wasn't herself at all... Fortunately, after quite some time, she finally calmed down... Had to run back... due to the curfew... After I left, apparently, sherning came, after 12am or so... -_-"... What he did didn't make sense at all... saying he doesn't want to cause her to feel so frustrated and stuff, when he still was outside, not willing to go off... She was anxious for him to go off before her mum came home, but in the end, her mum saw sherning.... Sometimes, I wonder whether Sherning is chasing her, or chasing her mum... anyway, he left after a while.... -_-"

Sunday 130205
Went out with Pearl after tuition... had the car.... went for a drive, went all the way to ECPark, then to Selarang camp, then her Dage called her and asked her to go KTV.... She said ok, which included me, and got her parents to come along too... She wanted her parents to see me and talk to me, so that they can know me better... So went to her house, had dinner there, her mum's cooking, waited for her dad, before going off to KTV... Thoughout, her mum was pretty quiet, and so was her dad... Tried to talk to her mum especially, in her house, and when KTV, but she wasn't exactly very responsive... I later knew why... They were already won over by sherning... Anyway, at the end of it all, they still told Pearl to choose sherning....

V.Day 140205
Met Pearl at 7pm++ at TBP to give her 3 white kinda plastic flowers.... bought from the ntu ppl.... really beautiful... =) and the choc I got from city link... The card too, which I wrote in sch... Anyway, we went to TBPark. there, we talked about sherning, and her parent's... About the previous day's incident... wanted to go and chong like what sherning does, to get to know her parents better, allow them to see my heart, but then she strongly objected.... She knew that her parents would not change... stubborn in their belief... Anyway, at a loss, I told her that ok, I'd just stand by and watch her go with sherning, just like that day after dance, at TBPlaza, where I just stood there watching them.... Till she breaks up, then I'd come in.... But then she said no.... I really do like her a lot a lot, and she does me too.... Sigh... so queer that this would even happen... Why did sherning have to come into the picture at this time? Anyway, don't ask me what happened, but in the end, we walked out of TBPark holding each other, and telling each other that her 'relationship' with sherning will end, just as soon as it started.... Just to satisfy her parents...

Tues 150205
Spent the entire day together... Went for social work visit.... First, went to her house to meet her, then redhill to collect medicine, then my house to change shoes, then her 2nd bro's house to do her indo essay with her maid's help, then for social work visit, then to TBP to send her home after dinner, then to tuition, then back home again....

Wed 160205
First major quarrel with her today... Caused solely by a misunderstanding while studying for psychology test with her in the lib... First, I and my thoughtless words, I told her that I felt that we did not have yuan2 fen4... Sometimes, I really don't know why I say the things I say... Never think carefully the implications and say it... Then, she drew a heart, I drew a crack between, then put the words 'Pearl' and 'God' on either side of the heart... in japanese.... she misunderstood Kami, God in japanese, for my name in japanese.... and was really really hurt... and threw temper, ignoring me totally.... I was so confused and pained, that I really was at a loss then... I went up for a walk, to reflect, and then, I didn't realise it at first, till later.... where I smsed her that it wasnt my name, but 'god'.... I was so so relieved that it was just a misunderstanding.... That this issue was settled.... but it wasn't... She said she was not feeling well, and decided to pon angklong lessons... I knew she was not too right... Her actions spoke it all... As well as the 2 smses she showed me that GW sent her... I wanted to accompany her home, send her home, but she said don't need.... I didn't want to force myself on her, so I let her go by herself... its only later that I realised what I did wrong... --> Never trust what she says if you feel that she feels otherwise.... She called me on the phone while I was taking bus back, but didn't say a thing... or at least I couldn't hear anything... I thought there was a phone problem, and hanged up the phone, to call her back with mine... but she rejected my repeated calls... or didn't pick it up... I smsed her, but she kept telling me that she is fine... when I reached home, I called her, but she said she was fine and stuff too... Then I sent a stupid sms then... one that was not sensitive enough, telling her that (from what I can remember) as much as I wanted to be there by her, I wanted to respect her wishes, and that if she didn't want to share her troubles with me, then so be it.... the last 4 words were the killer... I only realised it after I sent it... I immediately noticed the change of tone in her reply smses... I called her up, and heard sherning at the background, and asked her if she was alone, or with someone... She was totally angry at me, and yar... can't be blamed... I asked her where she was, but she didn't want to tell me... I really don't know how to act in such circumstances... I wanted to give her some freedom so that she wouldn't feel too constrained and dislike me or find me irritating... I couldn't have made a worse decision... At that point, my emotions took over liao... Told aunt that I'd eat dinner later, and asked her to keep dinner for me, before immediately rushing down to grab a cab to go over to her place... or where I thought she would be -- TBPark... Worse come to worse, I thought if I couldn't find her there, she would either be at TBP, else under her house.... fortunately for me, we were talking on the phone when I was reaching, and she finally told me where she was...delta swiming complex.... i would never have thought she would be there.... I ran there, and first thing, hugged her... Reminded me of Winter Sonata actually.... I didn't realise my lack of initiative caused her so much pain... Sherning was so much more proactive than me, but I'm the one she likes.... sigh... just my nature.. gotta change it... After quite some time, she calmed down, and I sent her back... Went to TBP for a walk, then went home, to eat my dinner... Sherning came again to her house.... Fortunately, he left soon after getting the hint from her that he was not welcomed there at that time... She wanted to study.... would have thought that the quarrel was over, but no no.... quarreled on the phone again... religion matters... and stupid me and my big mouth again.... kinda told her that there's no future for us due to this matter... how many times do i have to make her pain in a day?!? Feel like wacking myself.... Went to the toilet after that... when I came out, saw my phone... 8 missed calls.... shit!!!! Rushed to the phone to call her back, but she didn't want to pick up, time and again.... totally understandable... So, I told her to call sherning through sms... I knew the pain she was in, and she just had to find someone to confide in... Thought that this was it.... That's the end of us.... So I told her that if she had any problem in future, that no one could solve, come to find me...
Tried to sleep, to no avail.... sleep is so elusive when you want to escape from pain.... kept on going in and out of sleep.... at 5:30, couldn't sleep anymore... though I think i only dozed off at 2-3am... not sure when.... As much as I tried to force myself to sleep, I couldn't... miserable... Unable to take it anymore, smsed her, begging her to 'come over'.... as in, come over to my church, to see for herself... she smsed me back... 'i miss you'... I immedately jumped out of bed to called her back, and talked to her for like 4 min or so.... I knew how lonely and empty she felt... At that point, I wasn't thinking straight any longer... Grabbed my sch bag, and ran out of the house.... fortunately, just before I did that, I realised that I was still in army attire (sleeping use), and just grabbed a white T.... Rushed down to go to her house... morning rush... had no choice but to take bus... should have taken mrt on hindsight.... but anyway, I was at queensway when she called me back (i asked her to call me back in like 5min) Anyway, I met her downstairs at her block, and accompanied her to sch... told her 'I need you'.... something I would never have said.... shows weakness on a guy's part... but at that point, I wasn't thinking straight anymore... emotionally in distraught, lack of sleep... ya... all contributing factors.... Anyway, I just wanted to comfort her, and take her mind off yesterday... to let her feel some sense of security, of someone accompanying her, of someone she could rely on....
Anyway, the rest of the day, I spent it with her.... realised from yesterday's experience that dependent people need to feel security, to have someone there to depend on.... something that I wasn't doing thru my actions....and that gals, though say one thing, mean another oftentimes.... the only way to truly know is by what I feel she is feeling....
As forthe rest of the day... its a totally relief for me... I think the experience let me get to know her better, and know what I should change of myself.... Sent her back to her home in the night, after studying.... her exam tomolo, and i didn't want her to think too much about it on the way back.... she isn't exactly optimally prepared for the exam....