Recap of Events...

Hmm.... for completeness sake, I've gotta recap the events that happen.... so I'll just throw something that I wrote, which I originally intended to give to her... wrote this in my most painful period... so it will sound very strong... Perhaps a little too strong... For reference purposes, this was written on 1st of April...


Brennie, this is the last time I’ll talk to you, so just listen to me for a while. Firstly, I want to say that I hate you. Hate you for causing me all the pain I have felt ever since I met you. Before meeting you, I’ve never experienced such pain. I’ve never thought that love could be this painful. Now I know. I don’t know how I even walked into this trap. I’ve always believed that in love, there can only be one. There must never be a third party. What kind of love is that? That is another one of the reasons why I never ever let myself like someone who has a boyfriend already. Not only are you being unethical, you are destroying other people’s happiness. Isn’t it too selfish?

However, don’t ask me how in the world this situation happened. On V’day, with eyes wide open, I walked into this very thing I felt so strongly against. Why? Because I loved you, and couldn’t bear to see you in pain. Why? Because I knew that if I said I’ll go, you’d cry. Maybe not there and then, but at home, when you are by yourself, feeling empty, in the middle of the night, when no one else is around. Just the thought of that made me walk into this bottomless abyss of pain. If I had known then, I wouldn’t even have allowed myself to see you on V’day, much less agree with you to stay by your side.

On tues, we talked on the phone, and maybe u realize it, maybe you don’t, but you really hurt me with your words. On wed, we had lunch, with xuan and cerise, and the atmosphere was so tense and cold, and we managed to become so distant and far. My heart was so very painful, but when I looked back after you left, I realized that it is for our good. This is the perfect way to break. But still, I really wanted to be by your side. Did you know that after my lect, I went to the forum to see if I could see you discussing your cs proj? I just wanted to see you from afar, even if I don’t talk to you. That’s how deep I’m into this thing we share. Even the long poem sms I sent you. The starting part, I wanted to just explain what happened on tues, why I’m so hurt and angry. But the later part, I just can’t help it… I just had to say what I truly feel… so of course, I started to use strong words.

I decided then, that I was not going to call you again. I wanted to tell myself not to talk to you again, but I know that it is just not possible… If you call or anything, I’ll surely pick up the phone… I know that my resolve isn’t that great. That’s why I didn’t call, nor sms you from then on. I was hoping that this cold war would last forever till I no longer felt anything for you. But in the night you smsed… I knew that I had to be hurtful, in order so that you’ll be angry at me, at the cold war would continue, hence the smses that I sent… Then you called, and spoke to me about the stuff you did… and thank me and what not. I could feel the intense pain you were going through. That’s not what I wanted. I wanted you to be angry, not painful. Cause when you are angry with someone, it is much much easier to get on with your life, and forget that person. When I’m very angry with someone, I’ll throw myself into work or something whole heartedly… However when I am hurt and in pain, I’ll walk around senselessly, aimlessly, and waste my life away… That’s why I wanted you to hate me. If you don’t hate me, then I at least had to do my best to make sure you don’t walk around senselessly and wallow in your pain. When you hung up the phone, I knew that you were going to do so, hence I tried to call you back, but you hung up the phone.

I decided to go to school early the next day to make sure that you got on with your life and forget about me. Hence I went to AS7 to see if you went to class… As it went, indeed you were wallowing at home… Hence, I decided to go to your house and comfort you at help you get on your feet… I don’t want this to affect your studies, and I really can’t bear to see you in pain. Who would have guessed that instead of making you go to school and get on with your life, what I did made you so angry as you parents quarreled. Though it really hurt me to see you so angry with me, I forced myself not to explain it to you by calling or smsing you. I decided to just keep my mouth shut, be misunderstood and hated by you. That way, you’ll be angry at me, and I would find it so much easier to break as you are not in pain or hurt, but instead filled with anger.

When you told me you wanted to meet me after cs tut, I was very hesitant to agree to meet you. I knew that there was a very high chance that we’ll get back together as my resolve to be misunderstood and hated by you, and as a result break totally, would melt very quickly… But then what you’re mother told me in the morning came into my mind at that time. Just be friends, she said. And I asked myself, if I just treated you as a friend, what would I do? I’ll surely meet my friend if I got the time and my friend requested me to meet her. That’s why in the end I smsed you to meet at cafeteria.

When I saw you so angry at me, I actually heaved a sigh of relief inside. It’s good. This way, we’ll break very easily, with less pain. I actually wanted to meet you just for a while, so that I can quickly run off and not falter in my decision. That’s why cafeteria. Then you said you wanted to go Great world. I was thinking, “ok, then along the way there in the bus talk about it, then once over, I get off the bus and go home”. But who could have guessed, the mood changed, and we got back again. I hate it when we have such a good time together… It really makes me cannot bear to leave…

Then came your lost handphone. To see you like that, you don’t know how much my heart was aching, as if the one who lost the handphone was not you, but me. Suddenly you turned so cold and wanted to go home. But what could I do? I just had to leave you alone to run to your little corner and cry. I didn’t want to make you angry then… I told myself that I’ll call you in the night, to make sure you sleep and not think about it…

Then at night, I realized that there was a big problem. I can’t call your handphone anymore.. I had to call your home. And what if your mother or father picked up the phone and asked who is calling? Won’t they start another huge quarrel if they knew it was me again? Hence, I called for 3-4 rings then hung up… Usually you pick up the phone pretty fast in the night, from what I remembered. For all I know, you might have just cried yourself to sleep already, considering how little sleep you got the previous night. In that case, if I were not to hang up, your parents will surely pick up the phone and start quarreling later again… So I put on my earpiece , set my phone to ringing, and waited for your call… I was hoping you’d call me instead… you never did…

So today morning, I decided to go to school in the morning to meet you after your test. And the entire 2 hours we were together, you were just throwing your temper. I knew that it can’t be helped since you lost your phone, and you are really moody about it. I try to make you happy, to make you laugh, but still you keep on going back to the moody mood… so much that I myself at 11:45 also became very moody… offered to wait for you at library then go buy handphone so that you’ll be less moody, and you just brushed me off, saying that you wanted to go home. Its not only what you said, but the tone you said it in. As if you can’t be bothered what I did. This kind of tone, is the type that you’ll not use on ordinary friends. Ya… Anyway, so I got pissed to, and told you I go off liao. Went to kent ridge terminal, then thought to myself… I can’t be like that… you are not in a good mood… I have to be more tolerant… I go back, wait for you, accompany you home, maybe can make you feel better… I got stuff at home to do, but told myself, nevermind… I can always do later… you are more important… Even if it means not doing anything constructive at all today… Cause I know in your heart what you want.

Who could have guessed, that when you came out, you were going to meet sherning. You didn’t tell me, even when I offered to go with you to buy handphone… you just said you were going to class 12-1 or going to skip class altogether. When I walked off after he came, I guess this pain you’d never know, since you never experienced such pain before… To see the one you love in the arms of another. I keep on feeling this pain, day after day, ever since I told you that day in the night that the person I liked was you. Why did you have to bring me up again yesterday, just to make me fall again today? Did you have to meet him today? No… your family was not involved… you could have told him you wanted to study in school, or was going back early or something… but you still met him…

I hate you. I don’t want to say I love you. I don’t want to say how I miss you. I don’t want to say how much I love it when you smile. I don’t want to say how much joy you bring to me just when I’m with you. I just want to say I hate you. And I seriously hope you’ll hate me too.. Hence, from now on, I’ll ignore all your smses and calls. I’ll not see you in school anymore. I’ll not sit with you during social work lecture. I don’t even think I’ll be going for that lecture as I might accidentally bump into you. If I see you, my resolve will falter again, and this whole process will repeat itself. I’ve got to disagree with what your mother said… I can’t treat you just as a friend… It’s too difficult… Gotta break with you totally first… maybe that would mean never see you again… but what the hack… During the cold war, though I felt empty, though I felt pain, I managed to put my mind off you, and engross myself in my work, so that I won’t think of you. I know it is painful, but it has to be done. Even peixuaN told me the same thing when I told her about my situation. She said, chang2 tong4 bu4 ru2 duan3 tong4…. And that in the end, the only person that will get hurt is me… cause you have sherning… She told me that it is only logical to break… but I told her that it is just too difficult… that I can’t do it. That I have tried many times and failed. I look back at it and realize why I keep on failing. It’s cause I talk to you, or meet you, that I keep on failing. So, this time, I’ll just ignore all your calls… that way, I won’t be affected when you use your ‘jue zao’… The thing you do that make me not think logically anymore, to just want to run to help you up….

Since I’m not going to meet you again, I guess it’s ok for me to tell you what it is…. The one thing I can’t bear to see you do, is to see you cry. When you cry… I’d be willing to do anything. Anyway, wouldn’t matter since I’m not going to talk to you anymore. Of course, I can’t say never… since we might just accidentally bump into each other. There’s only two situations where I might talk to you… If you decided to break off with sherning, or if my feelings die for you completely. I think just cancel the second one… I don’t think it will ever die completely… if I meet you again, it might just stir it up again… not good… so just remember that if you finally decided that sherning is not the one, sms me… seeing you in his arms is just too much for me to take…

Maybe you’d ask why he can bear it, why I can’t. I guess its just our different characters. Like why he goes to your house without consent countless times even if it means making you angry, and why up till date, I’ve done so only once.