Undecided.... Though I really shouldn't be....

My Godsend -- by -Emptiness-

Alone I walked,
The cobbled road.
All by myself,
With no one else.

The autumn leaves,
Dance in the breeze,
Painting pictures,
Maroon mixtures.

My body tires,
Painful and sore.
My soul hungers,
For friends and more.

For someone able,
To share my heart,
And not label
Me an “Upstart”.

Yet none are willing,
To walk this path.
All still fearing,
To incur their wrath.

But care, should I,
What others may say?
Headstrong, I walk,
Not led astray.

By hushed whispers,
And subtle chides,
Just to conform,
And save their hides.

To them I say,
Begone! And stay,
Away from me,
Is all I pray.

Hence once again,
Alone I walk,
Down this path,
Now long and dark.

But to myself,
This much I pray,
That, someday,
Find, I may,

Someone to share,
My heart, my mind.
On me depend,
For her defend.

Beacon of light,
To end my plight,
A close friend,
My Godsend.




Quite obvious from this poem what I want eh? haha... Anyway, just went out with her earlier...　Supposed to meet her at 6.30, became 7, then 8, den i waited for her at the MRT till 8.15 or so.... wow.... talk about puntuality... but she was having lots of stuff to do, so i can't blame her.... this is what happens when you are too thoughtful for others, buying gifts and stuff for everyone... not to mention this will also make holes in your pocket...

Anyway, went to yamaha and played the piano.... couldn't play the FFX song properly though.... this is what happens when you don't have a piano at home.... without practise, you can't play it properly.... damn....Den got a couple come and play at another piano. So there we have it, 2 gals, 2 guys, in one sound proof, transparent room with lots of pianos -- a dangerous mixture, for better or worse... I play one song, they play one song, and vice versa. Like some sorta duel, exchanging blows. And i made a big 'boo boo' -- tried to play fantasie impromtu, but couldn't go past the first few bars.... arghhh.... all my skills have gone down the drain... anyway, we dueled till the lights went out, and we knew its time to go...

We then went to look for the gift for her dad... Choc, and tea, and choc, apparently... its amazing how such a big place like Carrefour, has such a limited range of chocs.... i mean, for its size.... absolutely mindboggling.... And after spending an astounding 30++ mins searching for chocs alone, mostly standing there staring at the wide range of chocs, (amazing how lack of choice actually makes u think harder), we finally decided on 3 small packets of choc.... wow... talk about wasting time.... I really have to learn from her....

Next, the search for a wraping paper.... In our frantic search, we actually came across a nice paper, with the 12 consellations on it.... I found that it looked damn arty, and posh, but unfortunately, my vote was vetoed.... In the end, went for some starry one, that we saw at another shop....

As we were going back, in the MRT station, she surprised me with a Christmas gift.... way before christmas i must say, but still, very nice and sweet of her... I guess that is why I like her... haha... However, this is where the problem comes in.... which i'm sure is because i think too much... but i'm pretty sure she just treats me as an ordinary friend... which isn't exactly what I treat her as.... but, as usual, in lieu of my horrendous past experience, I don't really show my feelings in a outright, straight forward manner.... Don't want to lost a good friend if I fail to get her to be my girlfriend.... Sigh.... life.... so much considerations that i've gotta make.... In the card she gave me, she just wrote a simple line, or should i say 2,

"Wishing you joy, love, happiness...." & "may all your sweet dreams come true....."

Ironic in the sense since she has been a part of my dreams for some time already..... wahhaa.... that's why I dislike to dream now... I know that it isn't real... When I wake from my dream, here I am again, the dreams all vanish into thin air, and i'm left with a feeling, which I know is just a deception... I don't mind dreaming about things that I know can't happen, like dinosaurs eating away at my HDB block, or falling into an endless abyss.... cause though they are scary, at the end of the dream, I know that it is not real... But such sweet dreams with her in it seem so very real and plausible, that I am so utterly deceived, that I wake up with a great sense of emptiness, realising that none of it is true, or at the moment at least. Life can be so frustrating... One of the reasons why recently, I actually write poems, which I never actually do...

So once again, I am left undecided. Does she have a slightest inclination towards me, or is this all just a bad dream, where love or liking, or whatever, is one sided?

"思念通常只有一个方向。因为你思念的人，未必会思念你呀!"

Or maybe,

爱情太苦，相处太累，我只要这样聊天、偷得一点熟悉的温柔和呵护，就好了。真的。

I know I've posted this two phrases before, but I just had to again.... These two phrases are so applicable to my situation now, and really strike a chord with my heart.... I really wonder how the authors come out with such perfect descriptions of how I feel.... or maybe, its cause they went through the same thing too, some time or another....

So once again, I'm 'caught in the middle'.....

Anyway, on to some lighter topics... I just found out that the school fees have increased!!!! By 200 dollars! How can they do this to me? First, they wait till the after I enlist to implement NSF pay rise, so that i don't benefit so much, then, last minute to decrease the NSF liability so that I wouldn't get to benefit, and now, to rub salt into an already sore wound, tell me that the uni school fees have increased by 200 bucks! This is so unfair! Yeow! crap... How unlucky can one guy get? Apparently, very.... not to forget I missed out on 2 of the 3 ERS shares that the government gave out up till date, just because i'm born 2 years earlier....

But then again, if i were 2 years older, would I have met her?

Hmm...... Life can be so complicated....